Ninety minutes before a fallen super hero arrived to save the night, Dr. Saji Mathai looked at the monitor above the head of emergency room patient Kate Elizabeth Green. He was stunned.
"The numbers were so astronomical I thought I was looking at the dashboard of a McLaren P1," said Mathai, head of the ER at Olympia Medical Center in Los Angeles. "At first, the blood pressure, the pulse, the vitals, they reminded me of the P!'s tachometer and speedometer."
Green, 32, had been exposed to the rare and deadly syndrome known as "Proxsimus Crimsoni Scampi Gigantus", a vicious, unforgiving parasite of an unusually large red shrimp that, like a thief in the afternoon, sneaks into the air passages of humans who would never order skrimps of any kind.
Green, the storied assistant to Nancy Silverton, was at a party in Brentwood and shortly after a waiter sauntered by carrying a tray of Red Scampi Gigantic from Madagascar. her long, slender throat began to quiver, but not in a good way. Mere seconds later, Chad Colby, former chef of Chi Spacca and long time dear friend of Green's, came up to her and said "You don't look so good." Colby did nothing to help, but did launch into a lengthy spiel about the joys of making pasta without a machine.
Meanwhile, unable to speak, Green stumbled out of the house and toward her McLaren, (a 720). Her stumbling caused no alarm as most of the Brentwood party-goers were also stumbling. She managed to drive home in Miracle Mile South, then decided she need to go to the hospital. Fortunately, Olympia Medical Center was less than a mile away..
Although, up to a dozen people were waiting to be seen, nurses rushed the trembling former Miss Modesto past them and began trying to lower and/or raise her vitals. Enough steroids were pumped into her to make Barry Bonds drool.
Still, nothing seemed to help. By the time an uncle arrived, Kate Green was - in the words of Neil Young - "shaking like the leaves of an old maple."
Knowing medicines were not doing the trick the uncle resorted to the ancient practice of comfort. He pulled out a comic book he just happened to have in his coat. It was "The Further Adventures of Nick Wilson" by Eddie Gorodetsky, Marc Andreyko and Stephen Sadowski. The book tells the story of Nick Wilson, a once-mighty super hero who has lost his powers and takes refuge behind a Kona Gold-filled bong.
The comic book begins with Nick reduced to taking a gig at a boy's birthday party where he pretends to be himself in his glory days. As the uncle read the story to Kate Green, she slowly began to shake less, her forehead leaked less and her mind drifted from panic to interest in the fate, not of her, but of Nick Wilson.
The uncle would read, then show her the illustrations. Green's interest was piqued when the birthday boy's mother - an attractive light-skinned black woman - put her hand seductively on Nick Wilson's upper thigh. Within, 20 minutes of that reading, Dr. Mathai released Green from the hospital. Seven minutes later, she was comfortably in her own bed.
Four days later, Green said she remembered being read "The Further Adventures of Nick Wilson", but, in her haze at the time, couldn't remember what the story was about. When shown the panel of the lady's hand on Nick's thigh, Kate Green smiled and said "Well, I do remember that."