MYSTERIOUS HERB GROWERS ON VAN NESS AVENUE NAMED "NEIGHBORS OF THE MONTH"

After 53 years of obeying the law, chef Nancy Silverton committed a crime last week. It was a property theft on the street where she lives, Van Ness Avenue in Los Angeles.

The revered chef’s last crime was in 1967 when she shoplifted a tube of Lancome mascara from the Montgomery Ward’s at the Topanga Plaza in San Fernando Valley. Silverton, Ann Elterman and Michelle Matthews, all 12, walked out the store’s door and were immediately detained by a security guard. The police came, put them in the back of a black and white cruiser and whisked them off to LAPD’s West Valley station. Larry Silverton, Nancy’s father, picked her up and the two drove home in silence. He didn’t imposed any further punishment, because, as he told Nancy “the humiliation of having me pick you up at a police station is punishment enough “

Wendi Matthews, Michelle’s sister, vividly recalled the incident in a Facebook post today. “I remember the Montgomery Ward theft very well. Went with my mom to pick up Michelle who hid her stolen eyelash curler in a planter at police station only to be discovered hours later. My mom refused a Christmas gift from Michelle that year.”

That crime was a vital lesson learned for Nancy. She never stole again. Until April, 29th, 2020.

On that Wednesday, while on her morning walk with Michael Krikorian, Silverton stopped in her tracks when she saw a vibrant, vast patch of herbs on a neighbor’s “sidewalk lawn”. She was baking black cod for dinner that night and needed some mint for the yogurt sauce to go with the fish. And there, lush and alluring at her feet, was mint fit for Chino Farms. She looked at her boyfriend and then suddenly, without a word, without clippers without looking around for witnesses, she pulled out a handful of mint.

That night, the black cod with mint was superb.

Two days later, Nancy and Michael walked by the house. There was the mint, but now we noticed the length of the sidewalk lawn was abundant with also rosemary, thyme, oregano and sage. A cook’s paradise.

A woman was walking into the guest house of the very stylish home. Nancy, while not admitting to the theft, asked the lady to ask the homeowners if she could pick some herbs. The lady, the nanny, smiled warmly and said she would. I told her our names.

We went on our walk. At the end of our three mile loop, we walked to our front door. laying on a piece of paper was a pile of rosemary, lavender and mint. On the paper was written this; “HI NEIGHBORS! THE HERBS ARE FOR EVERYONE. PLEASE ENJOY. STAY TUNED FOR NASTURTIUMS.

What a lovely move. And, for some reason, in the time of Covid, it was even more touching, an ever so neighborly act. For that. these neighbors who I haven’t even yet met because i didn’t want to knock on the house door in these tense times, have been named Neighbors of the Month.

And we will find out who they are.

RESTAURATEUR MELINA DAVIES SUSPECTED IN HUGE HAAGEN-DAZ CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER STOCKPILE/GIVEAWAY OPERATION

While the hoarding for some items - paper towels, toilet paper, hand sanitizer - garnered a lot of media attention in the early Covid days, other products did not, though they were being grabbed nearly as frantically.. Take the mysterious case of Haggen Daz Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream.

Even in the old days Haggen Daz Chocolate Peanut Butter, known among fans as “CPB”, was difficult to find But, now? don’t even make the effort.

So it was major news in international ice cream circles Sunday, when federal officials announced they had made a breakthrough in the case known as Operation CPB when they named a prominent Burbank restaurant owner and cook book writer as a key player in a organization that has stockpiled literally dozens of their prime Haggen Daz flavor and then - remarkably - give them away.

Melina Davies, who allegedly has connections to Armenia organizations throughout the Mid East and sectors of South San Fernando Valley, was named in an affidavit obtained by the Mozza Tribune. Davies, who with her husband Christian, owns Olive and Thyme, could not be reached for comment.

Nancy Silverton who wrote the forward for Melina’s upcomong book “Olive and Thyme, Everyday Meals made Extraordinary” strongly defended her in these allegations.

“Fist of all, getting something you love and enjoying it is not hoarding, “ said Silverton who lives with a man known for his over indulgence of CPB.

Silverton continued. “Indulging is not hoarding. Hoarding is when you take 400 rolls of paper towels. Melina is simply savoring and also making other people feel special by giving them a threat. There should be more people like her, especially now..”

HARSHEST FOOD REVIEW EVER, BIG EVIL ON THE CUISINE AND SERVICE AT L. A.'s MEN'S CENTRAL JAIL DURING PANDEMIC

I’ve read and heard my share of bad restaurants reviews from the likes of Ruth Reichl, Jonathan Gold, Michael Bauer, S.I. Virbila, Gael Greene, Jenn Harris, Russ Parsons. Kate Green and an assortment of people who fancy themselves critics. Some have expressed disgust and twisted their face into near-grotesque distortion when describing what they ate and how it was served.

But, never, and I mean never ever, has anyone put food and service down as brutally as Cleamon “Big Evil” Johnson did in a telephone call to me Monday afternoon from Men’s Central Jail in Los Angeles, the largest jail in the United States.

“I would catch another case if my cell door was unlocked because i would chase down these mutherfuckin’ trustees they let serve us the shit food,” said Johnson, 52, once of 89 Family Swan Bloods who is facing five murder charges and one attempted murder from cases in the 1990s. (Long story) “I’d chase them down the tier and beat their asses something fierce.” Then Cleamon, who I’ve known since the 1990s, unleashes his famous Big Evil laugh.

He explains why he would beat his servers who are trustees, so called because they are inmates in the jail who have gained the “trust” of the jailers.

‘I won’t even get to the shit food, yet. the service. We got Covid about to break out and they send these trustees down the tier with no masks, no gloves. Half these mutherfuckas have runny noses, they coughing, scratching their asses, Disgusting. and they serving the food.”

The County Sheriffs deputies themselves are gloved and masked up. And they even handed out one pair of gloves to inmates two weeks ago. Johnson’s big hands, with six black swollen knuckles - the result of decades of punching enemies in the face - would not be kind to a single pair for gloves for two weeks.

And now, what you critics have been waiting for, Big Evil’s review of the food at the Los Angeles Men’s Central jail.

“The food up in here is fuckin’ nasty. i don’t even know the name of half this shit It got so bad, i asked for a special diet. i didn’t even know what that meant exactly. But lately I’ve been getting what i think is chicken six times a week. This stuff is not from a kitchen. It’s straight out of a laboratory. it’s either still alive or its been dead way too long. And stink? Man, it always stinks. You literally taken a chance when you eat it.”

The other staple is franks on a tortilla. “You ever had a hot dog on a tortilla? And the other day I got nine hard tortillas. That’s it.”

Fortunately for Johnson,, he has a brother or cousin or friend who put a few bucks “on his books” and he buys “food” out of the vending machine.

Like everyone on the outside, he’s concerned about Covid.

Johnson says it’s eerie in the County these days and it feels the Corona virus moving through the tier. “All damn night, all you hear is people coughing and sneezing. i’m serious. All night long. i got a big ‘ol plastic sheet fastened to the front of my cell and my blanket tied up to the front, too.

“It’s seems like a powder key up in here just waiting to be lit. Once someone gets Covid up in here, there’s gonna be no choice but for it to just run right through this place.”

If you care to write to him address the letter as follows

Cleamon Johnson #3027306
po box 86164
terminal annex LA CA.90086

NANCY SILVERTON OF SAN QUARANTINE BECOMES FIRST CHEF IN AMERICA TO WIN A MICHELIN STAR IN LOCKDOWN

When, on March 30, Nancy Silverton tested positive for Covid and was sentenced to lockdown at the infamous San Quarantine maximum security facility in Los Angeles, her cooking skills shut down with her.

For days, Silverton, easily one of the most beloved chefs in America, had to rely on the cooking skills of her cellie, Michael Krikorian, whose culinary resume exists entirely of being a sous chef at the Carl’s Jr on South Van Ness Avenue in the early 70s. Though confined mainly to an area once known as the Ruth Couch and now renamed Covid Corner, Silverton would issue commands that brought to mind the strict kitchens of Escoffier and Point. The words “idiot” and “stupid’ spewed from her mouth like ‘59 Dom Perignon in happier times.

So, defying orders, Nancy worked her way back to the kitchen. Though her fist meals showed some past dabs of glory, they had a sadness about them, kind of like Jerry Rice dropping a pass. or Mantle limping back to the dugout after striking out. She lacked the vibrato she once oozed

But, then. a shoulder of lamb was braised and it was obvious. the comeback of Nancy Silverton had begun.

Saturday, a prime porterhouse from Jim Cascone’s Huntington Meats in the Farmer’s Market was set on a grill. The sound, the smell. the seasoning, the taste of the meat. the excitement was back. The return had arrived full force.

By evening. word had leaked and food writers from Jenn Harris of the Los Angeles Times and Jeff Gordinier from Esquire were trying to get a Zoom reservation. Soon the critics from Gault-Millau and Michelin were calling. Michelin, wanting to be first awarded her a star, the first Lockdown awarded San Quarantine a Michelin star.

It turns out. at a high level of criticism, you don’t have to actually taste the food to rate it. Hearing a “Damn, that looks delicious” - viewed 2,851 miles away bu Ruth Reichl is way more valued than a bunch of stars or a glowing review from most critics.

Then Sunday night, Nancy roasted black cod with a tomato jam made with Chris Bianco canned Di Napoli tomatoes, Ligurian olives, garlic, fennel powder, wild oregano and served it with Armenian Labne mint yogurt/cheese.

As we ate, Turner Movie Classics played “The Hustler” on the TV. Paul Newman plays the role of Fast Eddie Felson. He shoots pool magnificently, but he has a downfall. In the end, though, Fast Eddie is back to being great.

So is Nancy

PENCE, FAUCI SAY RALPH WAXMAN EXAGGERATED HEART BLOCKAGE TO ESCAPE HOME IN CONTROVERSIAL "STIR CRAZY' CASE

Legendary Osteria Mozza server Ralph Waxman entered Huntington Hospital in Pasadena last week complaining of severe chest pains. After several tests, Waxman said ‘They found a 95% blockage in my Left Arterial Descending artery. I was .admitted and, well, I could tell by the looks on their face I was “touch and go”.

Five days later, in a memorable and heartfelt Facebook announcement, Waxman, known as “The Dean of Servers”, thanked the Huntington staff for saving his life and said he ‘would be pushin’ up daisies” if he didn’t go the the hospital because they “found a 95% blockage in my Left Arterial Descending artery.”

But, was it really a 95% block? The White House doesn’t think so.

At the White House briefing Saturday morning. Dr. Anthony Fauci was bombarded with question about Waxman and unleashed a bombshell.

“We have a report that Waxman may have exaggerated his blockage numbers,” Fauci said. “Wax said 95%, but he may have been impaired and slurred 9.5%. He was bored at his house, like so many of us and wanted to get out. Stir Crazy. He did slur that 9.5 into a 95.”

Right then, Peter Jennings of ABC News shot back loudly with “Ralph didn’t say it. He typed it. On Facebook and Tweeter.. You can’t slur on Facebook or Tweeter.”

“Where have you been, Pete?” Fauci replied, “Oh sure you can. My moron boss slurs online every god damn day.”

At that point in the new conference, Mike “Bitch Boy Suck Ass” Pence cut in and issued the following statement. “Ralph Waxman, whose name sounds like a Jew, and who is a Democrat, was suffering from Stir Fever and simply wanted to get out of the house to protest about something.. So he lied to get into a hospital. Then he wrote that Facebook post designed to get sympathy. And it worked. He had responses from your Megans, your Lyankas. They like him, I guess. That photo of him below, he does look kinda good. but I’m not a homo. i don’t like homos I’m not a homo. I’m not. but, that photo. Let me get a copy of that.“

Ralph Waxman was relaxing today after walking three miles Friday. Today is Sunday and hopefully Ralph will be out and protesting something.

MASONGSONG TO TRUMP; "SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE", DEFYING WEDDING BAN, VERONA WILL MARRY NIKKO SATURDAY

One of America’s most anticipated celebrations of 2020 was supposed to be the wedding of Verona Masongsong to Nikko Jerrel Marquez at a location in South Downtown Los Angeles.

Masongsong, a legendary Mozza employee who gained fame for eating - in silence - four Double Doubles in the Jack Warner Room during a celebration, was thrilled beyond belief that her dream wedding was becoming a reality. She had found true love with an ex-Mozza employee, Nikko Jerrel Marquez. The countdown to the wedding was down to less than two months. Acting as a turbocharger to their life together, Nancy Silverton hired Nikko to run her new joint at LAX.

Then that fucker Covid showed up. All gatherings were cancelled. Even Don Moron Trump ordered a ban to weddings. Masongsong was crushed. Her magical moment was put on hold.

But, if you know Masongsong at all. and Nikko, for that matter, you know they aren’t particularly known for following orders. So, going against Trump, who she refers to as “that li’l bitch”, Verona and Nikko announced earlier this week that their wedding would go on.

They’ll be some slight modifications The wedding list has been cut from 200 or so to four or five with the wedding couple, an officiant, a photographer and - hiding in the trees - a member of Delta Force.

When told that Trump had spoke out against their wedding at Friday’s White house press briefing, Verona said “Shut your pie hole.”

In retaliation, Mike “Closet Punk” Pence said an investigation would be launched into Nikko’s middle name. “Jerrel? Really? Jerrel sounds like a 89 Family Bloods gang member’s name.”

In support of the Verona- Nikko wedding was California Gov. Gavin Newsom and Los Angles Mayor Eric Garcetti.

“Gavin and I are both thrilled about Verona and Nikko’s wedding,” Garcetti said during a City Hall news conference Friday evening. “Our city. our state could use some happiness.”

BELKIND AND FALKNER SKYROCKET IN FAMOUS ELIZABETH RANKINGS AFTER DELIVERING FOOD TO NANCY AT SAN QUARANTINE

When the 2019 rankings of the “Most Famous Elizabeths in History “ were released in January, the usual suspects - Queen Elizabeth II, Elizabeth Taylor, Elizabeth “Bewitched” Montgomery, Elizabeth Warren and Queen Elizabeth I - were on their perennial top five spots.

But, yesterday in emergency rating session released due to Covid. two newcomers had rocketed like bats out of hell to claim spots in the top five. Knocking Elizabeth Taylor and Queen Elizabeth II out of the top five were American chefs Elizabeth Falkner and Elizabeth Belkind, both of whom braved “Stay At Home’ laws to bring food to San Quarantine where Nancy Silverton was hold up in lockdown with her cellie Michael Krikorian, who is, well. lets just say he’s not exactly Fredy Girardet.

Belkind, the executive pastry chef and partner - with Lisa J Olin- of the revered Cake Money Bakery on Beverly Boulevard, had unexpectedly - and delightfully - showed up in mid-March at Mozza with 100s of sumptuous muffins for the free Restaurant Workers Relief program funded by Maker’s Mark Whiskey and distributed out of Chi Spacca.

In early April, when she learned Nancy had tested “positive’, Elizabeth B texted she would leave something on the porch bench, a practice that became known as “Drop Drop Droppin’ At Nancy’s Door” based on the 1973 Bob Dylan classic “Knock Knock Knockin on Heaven’s Door”.

An hour later, she left a basket of cakes and cookies on the porch bench and they were soon being ravaged. There was “Li’l Merri’s”, an oatmeal cream pie sandwich cookie filled with maple vanilla buttercream that, hold up, hold on. Let me repeat that. This is an oatmeal cookie filled with maple vanilla buttercream. Is that even legal? Anyway, in case it isn’t, we got rid of the evidence quickly.

There was a slew of mini cakes including a Back & White Cakewich filled with vanilla cream. Valrhona crunchy “pearls” and coated in bittersweet chocolate.

Three days later, Elizabeth Falkner. was “Drop Drop Droppin at Nancy’s Door” (Bob Dylan has just released that) with an array of delights with Spanikopita, homemade filo dough filled with feta, spinach, dandelion greens. dill, mint and parsley and pot stickers with chicken thigh meat and pork belly with ginger, scallions and a sauce made of rice vinegar, ponzu, chili and sesame. Also a risotto with asparagus, spring onion, Parmesan and chicken stock.

Falkner also brought apricot rugalasch and a two-ton caramel glob that went swimmingly well with Chad Colby’s honeycomb ice cream from Antico.

We ate well.

A spokes person for Queen Elizabeth I said while she was disappointed to be out of the Top Five Elizabeths, she understood why. “Maybe Belkind and Falkner will teach her how to cook better,” said Dahlia Narvaez, the Queen’s spokeswoman. “Or at least how to cook,”

AFTER TWO POSITIVE TESTS, CHEF NANCY SILVERTON TESTS NEGATIVE FOR COVID-19

On a video call Sunday with Dr. Gregg DeNicola and his wife Nurse Mary, Nancy Silverton and i were ready to hear the words “Nancy, you are still positive.” After all, we has heard them twice before.

But, Nurse Mary threw the sweetest change up ever. ‘Open the red wine.”

We let out a yell and i was legally allowed to kiss her. Two weeks and six hours ago, Mary had informed us of the bad - somehow called “positive” - test. The past two weeks we have been in the house, distracted - and actually quite entertained by old movies; “The Verdict” with Paul Newman, “Barefoot In The Park” with Robert Redford and Jane Fonda, ,“Absence of Malice” with Paul Newman and Sally Field, “Sunday in New York” with Rod Taylor and Jane Fonda, “The Big Sleep” with Humphrey Bogart, “Farewell My Lovely” with Robert Mitchum. and three Doris Day movies and several more. And, thankfully. the Sundance Channel show “The Restaurant” which got us through the first most worrisome days.

Through every viewing. we were aware that Covid could come at any time. Yet, the only symptom Nancy had was even before the first test, a severe back pain that we originally blamed on Nancy standing up for 14 hours at Mozza for the Workers’ Relief Program. As the days past, our confidence grew. Then Dr. Gregg and Nurse Mary called

So now, the coast was clear for Nancy. To a huge degree, at least. She still has be, like everyone else, extremely cautious.

Yesterday, even before the good news. was a day Nancy over and over said “I’m so lucky” especially after hearing from our friend LAPD Robbery Homicide Det. Tim Marcia about the heart wrenching tale of another LAPD detective, David Lopez, who tested positive around the same time Nancy did, and likely passed it to his wife. She died Sunday. The couple had two kids, ages 12 and 10. “I’m so lucky”

So Nancy and I and family and friends are thrilled about her news, but we are not forgetting the sorrow of so many and how fortunate we are.

NANCY'S RETURN TO THE KITCHEN HAILED AS A SUCCESS

It was 17 days ago when Nancy Silverton made an infamous omelet that was so un-Nancy-like that she first thought something could be wrong with her. Two days earlier, an excruciating back pain - now thought to be the first real Covid symptom - was dismissed as the natural payback for standing up at Mozza 2Go for 13 hours. But, that omelet? That was a sign.

Three days later she was told by storied Nurse Practitioner Mary DeNicola that her Coivd test was positive. She was sentenced to San Quarantine. Her cooking days were put on hold. In baseball terms, you might say she was on the injured reserve.

Sunday night she returned to the mound with a lamb shoulder. seasoned for 21 hours with a spice blend she is calling Covid-10 salt, black pepper, cumin, cinnamon, turmeric, cardamon coriander, Calabrian chile, Persian dried lime and smoked paprika. It was then browned and put in the oven at 300 degrees for longer than it takes to watch “The Big Sleep” with Bogart and Bacall and “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father” with Glenn Ford and Shirley Jones.

The dinner was hailed as a success. Was it Koufax returning with a no -hitter? Not quite. But it marked the very successful - and straight out beautiful - return of Nancy Silverton to the kitchen The memory of that omelet was melting away like the fat off the lamb shoulder.