Salt & Straw Ice Cream's Suspicious Delivery Disrupts Mozza Service

Service was temporarily disrupted at the legendary Pizzeria Mozza in Los Angeles this afternoon when six pints of the Portland-based Salt & Straw ice cream were delivered to the pastry kitchen causing the owner, head chef and general manager to abandoned their customers to savor the frozen goodness.

Kim Malek, who owns Salt & Straw with her cousin Tyler, came to the pizzeria Sunday for the first time and was given a brief tour of the pastry department where she exchanged pleasantries with pastry sous Carrie and pastry's Sean, who is seen in the photo eating ice cream with a rather guilty look..

The six pint delivery was at first greeted as a "cool thank you" from Malek to the staff.  However, suspecting foul play, Krikorian Writes obtained and reviewed the restaurant's Sunday security tape and it clearly showed Malek snapping at least a dozen spy photos of the kitchen. No charges have been filed, but the "gift" of the six pints today may be her attempt to makeup for the kitchen spy photos, a felony in California.

As for the service at the pizzeria, it was eventually restored, but not before baffling some customers  

"I walked into the pizzeria and I was like 'Where is everybody?'" said long time loyal customer Lonnie Bishop, the Prince of Pumps. "No Nancy. No Arielle, No Go Go.  Thank god Eva was there." 

Shortly after service was restored, GM Arielle Chernin debuted a new dessert menu which now features several ice cream flavors including double fold singing dog vanilla, Stumptown coffee and bourbon, sea salt with caramel ribbons, woodblock chocolate, pots of gold & rainbows, and Grandma Malek's almond brittle with chocolate ganache.

Nancy, Go Go, Arielle and Sean eating something clearly meant for me.

Dozen of Degrees of Separation, Why David Rosoff Left Mozza

12. Realized he could make more  money and work fewer hours if he just robbed Doug Zamensky once a week.

11, Going to work for the @funwithkate twitter account as Kate Green's assistant.

10. Took a job with the Israeli government as Benny Netanyahu's personal poison taster. 

9. Didn't quit, was actually fired by Adriel "AD" Lopez for being too mellow during service 

8.  Tired of getting into easy-to-win fist fights with Osteria dishwashers.

7.  Felt slighted Lance would only hold his reserved table for two at the pizzeria for 15 minutes and 22 seconds.

6.  Depressed that months of planning a takeover robbery with Tony never materialized.

5.  Needed to relax more, so moving to Ghouta, Syria with Lyanka.

4.  No longer needs any more money after selling off his case of 1461 Chateau Latour he got from Rudy

3. Was never given an opportunity by Dahlia to showcase his baking skills.

2. Decided to open a Malt Liquor Bar next to Hawkins House of Burgers in Watts with Chris and Duke.

1.  Felt that after 8 years of employment Nancy should have at least known his first name.

Former Osteria Mozza General Manager on a typical night at Highland and Melrose. Sounds strange to see the word "Former", such a integral cog of Mozza was he. 

Zamensky Becomes First Human Robbed By Three Species

When a red-tailed hawk mugged Orange County Pizzeria Mozza manager Doug Zamensky recently, authorities initially thought it was just another robbery in Newport Beach where rampant crime is an accepted way of life. However, when a detective started digging, she discovered this was no ordinary robbery for it marked the first time in the history of mankind that a human being had been robbed by three different species.

"I knew Zamansky had been robbed by humans before, Grape, Rollin 60s, and I think 18, but what i didn't know was that as a youth in Idaho he had been robbed and briefly kidnapped by a pair of jackals," said Orange County Sheriff's investigator Marissa LaBarbera. "It appears Zamensky is known throughout the predatory animal kingdom."

For his part, Zamensky tried to play off a TMZ-leaked security camera frame of the robbery-in-progress (seen below) as being "Staged in the den of an Emmy-winning producer. Not a big deal really."

Sadly, a source close to the investigation said Zamensky was forced at beak point to dress up as a penguin and take orders from the hawk, an alleged bird shot caller for the Family Swan Bloods. Zamensky's hands were so damaged in the assault that even the hawk took pity and wrapped them in large brown bandages, as clearly seen in the photo. Zamensky is said to be resting comfortably at Hoag Hospital in the psychiatric ward.  

Doug Zamansky shortly before he was rescued by Yosemite Fish and Game Commandos

Silverton Irked by Reichl, Tells Her to Leave Van Ness Palace

Despite what you may have heard, the number of words a picture is worth varies widely. Take the beautiful Afghan girl on a 1985 cover of National Geographic. That photograph's worth sixty, seventy thousand words. Other photos, like, say, a shot of Nadia Bohr's nephew awkwardly attempting - and failing - to score a soccer goal probably is good for 12 or 15.

Now, the photograph that accompanies this story clocks in at 507 words, including the caption . Silverton to Reichl at Jar: "Time to Leave. Now!" 

Silverton to Reichl at Jar "Time to leave. Now!"   

The photograph, taken at Jar by award-winning NBC news producer Madeleine Hareringer,  clearly shows an exasperated Nancy Silverton, her patience gone, her annoyance in bloom, and, most alarmingly, her wine red glass removed. 

Look at that photo and you know what Silverton is thinking. 'Fancy Ruth leaning all into Michael, white wine glass right there. Me, I got nothing.' And you can understand why Nancy, at least according to sources, told Ruth to get out. 

Reichl moved into Silverton's Van Ness Palace on January 22 with her husband Michael Singer. From then, up until that photo was taken 41 days later, the two women seemed, in public at least, to get along like a fragrant bouquet of sweet peas. Reichl even won the coveted Nancy Silverton's "Top House Guest of the Month" award in February.  Liz "Go Go" Hong,  a dinner guest at the Van Ness Palace in mid-February, was stunned when she heard that Reichl had been asked to leave. "I had no idea," Go Go said, "They seemed to get along great. Though now that i think about it, Nancy did come down hard on Ruth for making a cake that crumbled."

Van Ness Palace security footage of the kitchen, obtained here, reveals that Reichl made the same Dario Cecchini-inspired olive oil orange cake five times. One, two, three, four, five. Same cake. "No one make the same cake five times with out being ordered to," said renowned pastry chef Sherry Yard.  "I've seen the security tape and Ruth does not look happy."

At one point, after baking the fourth one, Reichl places the plate holding the cake on the edge of the table, allowing Silverton's dog Zeke to gobble most of it. When Silverton returns home at midnight and finds out, she says "She did that on purpose." according to a mouth-reading expert who has seen the tape several times.

But, the final straws were drawn at a Monday night dinner at Jar and a fray became a rip. Reichl hoarded chef's Suzanne Tracht lemongrass chicken, one of Silverton's favorite dishes at Jar. Then there was the debacle with the wine: Reidel Vinum Montrachet glasses of 2008 Marcassin Estate Chardonnay for Ruth; a Cost Plus red/blush wine glass of February 2014 Bastianich Chianti Neo-Classico for Nancy.

A spokeswoman for Reichl would not confirm the writer had been told to leave Los Angeles. "Ruth was gong to leave anyway. She has a novel to promote in New York City. It's called "Delicious'."

Kate Green, Silverton's assistant, tweeted this afternoon on @funwithkate "I hope her book isn't about that cake."

Ruth Reichl Wins Top Guest Award, Singer Cries "Foul"

With a delicious finish. writer Ruth Reichl won the coveted Nancy Silverton Top House Guest of the Month award for February, traditionally one of the most hotly contested months of the year.

Reichl, who spent all of February at the Van Ness Palace. clinched the title at month's end when she bought and brought Michael Krikorian two more pints of the Salt and Straw's Sea Salt with Caramel Ribbons ice cream. "It was a lovely gesture," Krikorian said, adding that once Reichl leaves, he might have to get an actual job if he wants more of that $11 a pint Portland-made ice cream. "I know Nancy is not going to step up."

Michael Singer, another Van Ness Palace guest during February, protested the award, saying the pints were technically a bribe since Reichl herself doesn't actually eat ice cream.

"She was blatantly trying to score points with Krikorian to win the award." said Singer, who has lodged a formal complaint with the United Nations. "If you review the fucking tape of the entire fucked-up month I was more fucking entertaining than Ruth. I thought my yelling at that anus-hole Matt Lauer and that clown Al Roker was a refreshing way to start each weekday morning."

Singer also noted that he provided some of the only drama of the month by collecting parking tickets and going on yelling sprees, bashing into a parked car with his rental car's side mirror, kicking out a location scout photographer and explaining why he hates Ukrainians. 

"Ruth and Nancy sit around the house talking about restaurants all day, I probably heard the word "Spacca" 95 times. What the shit is a "spacca" anyway? Meanwhile, Krikorian is going on and on about the latest killing in the Nickerson Gardens. Whoa, what a surprise there!. .At least I provided entertainment."

A judge, who spoke off the record, said while the ice cream was a factor, there were other Reichl characteristics that really won her the award, which automatically qualifies her to enter the rarified Guest of the Year competition.

"Ruth had a terrific smile throughout the month, locked herself away upstairs and wrote silently, watched television episodes out of sequence and, perhaps most importantly, never once refused Krikorian's offer of a late night glass of wine or an early morning toast with that good butter."

Still, Silverton herself said it was her dog, Zeke, who gave Reichl the nod over Singer. "Zeke really loved Ruth's olive oil orange cake. He ate half a cake."

Reichl has not commented publicly on the honor, but a source quoted her as saying "I better have won. For the amount of money I spent on ice cream for Michael, I could have stayed at the Beverly Wilshire."

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Nancy Silverton Top Guest of the Month Winner Ruth Reichl.  On right is Michael Singer in happier times.

Zeke likes this cake

Previous Guest of the Year Award (GOYA) winners

2013 -Sal LaBarbera

2012- Henry Chin

2011- Henry Chin

2010- Henry Chin

Note:; Known as "The Quiet Guest", Henry Chin may still be in the house.

Americans Turn To Turbocharging Ice Cream to Lower Costs

In an effort to combat the exorbitant price of ultra premium ice cream, a growing number of Americans are taking to "Turbocharging" less expensive brands, a move they say significantly boosts flavors levels while keeping overall costs down.

At least two people in the Windsor Square sector of Los Angeles are said to be regularly pouring and swirling a high-end caramel sauce into various Haagen Dazs flavors thereby enhancing immediate gratification, but costing three to four dollars less than current top-rated packaged flavors, most notably the Portland-based Salt and Straw's Sea Salt Ice Cream with Caramel Ribbons, the current 2014 points leader.

The swirling tactic, which is not approved by the National Ice Cream Association (NICA) and therefore not allowed in competitions, has focused almost exclusively on using the warm, nearly gurgling caramel sauce from the pastry kitchen at Mozza in Los Angeles, but advocates say that other additives could be used. 

"Souping up" just about anything is a passion - and livelihood - for millions of Americans who have formed industries on after market items for cars, motorcycles and even computers. That the practice should come to packaged ice cream was inevitable, especially with the high price of elite ice creams. 

So far, sources say the best turbocharging combo has been the Mozza caramel sauce and a pinch of  13 to 17 gros grains of fleur de sel on and into Haagen Dazs' sea salt caramel gelato. 

A spokesman for Flynn Duvall, NICA's long time president, said "so-called 'turbocharging' is illegal in competition and should be. This is the Formula One Ice Cream championships,. not some Sundae competition at a state fair. What's next? Sprinkles? Fuckin' bananas?".

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UPDATE  Just before Krikorian Writes went to press, Sarah Clark, sommelier at Osteria Mozza and ice cream aficionado, relayed information that Ben and Jerry's had introduced four new flavors, including Peanut Butter Fudge and Salted Caramel, all with a "Core" in the center, their version of turbocharging. 

MOZZA CARAMEL SAUCE

I cup heavy whipping cream, 1 whole vanilla bean, 4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) unsalted butter ( ideally Rudolphe Le Menuier Buerre de Baratte), 1 cup sugar, 1/4 light corn syrup

Now, either mix the items all together and cook 'em up,, or go to Pizzeria Mozza, pretend to look at the Mozza Cookbook on display up front like you're seriously contemplating buying it, all interested, but, instead, with a spy camera, snap off a photo of the recipe for caramel sauce located toward the end of that book. And while you're at it, read the acknowledgments.  

David Rosoff Resigns From Mozza; Celebrations Turn Violent

Clashes erupted Tuesday afternoon throughout Los Angeles as pro-David Rosoff supporters clashed with the anti-Rosoff movement after news broke that the controversial general manager of Osteria Mozza had announced his resignation.

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti urged the city to be calm, but put the LAPD on a citywide “Tactical Alert” as emergency rooms on the Westside began filling with injured demonstrators, many of them wounded by flying, two-day-old stuzzicinni toasts.

Rosoff, the opening manager at Mozza, had come under pressure to retire or resign from a coalition of woman's rights groups, Muhammad For Tips members, cat's rights activists, Helen Turley, Doctors with Borders, but without Stethoscopes, the Rollin 60s,  OPEC, The  United Oaky Chardonnay Front, MADD, Robert Parker and the remnants of Al Queda in Mesopotamia to step down in face of a growing scandal over his position on whither or not Tony the dishwasher should be rehired.

Rosoff had insisted Tony be rehired, but also demanded three Delta Force commandos be hired to provide himself with 24/seven security. Mozza director of operations Alex Munoz had suggested a compromise where Tony would be rehired, but two of his closest Nine-O Crip homies would provide security for Rosoff.  Rosoff rejected that idea flat out.

Rosoff had become a polarizing figure early in his career at Mozza, which opened in 2006, when he announced he was adamantly against servers dropping and breaking glasses in the dining room. By 2008, he had instituted a strict - some say dacronian - policy where by if any server, bartender, expo or runner broke a wine glass in Osteria Mozza, Rosoff himself would stare at them with utter contempt for up to seven seconds.

Former Mozza employees Megan Tropea, Pilar Arias, Brian Monahan, Nicole Avrin, Murray Rubenstein, Timothy Jenkins, and Daniel Flores all described that as "the longest seven seconds in modern history."

Mozza owner Nancy Silverton expressed surprise Tuesday afternoon upon hearing Rosoff had retired.

"I didn't even know he was still working here," Silverton said.  "Hey, will he still get me cases of red wine?"

Anticipating a drop in business due to Rosoff’s retirement, Erehwon, Gilt and UPS announced they would lay off up to 15% of their workforce.

Rosoff's mysterious girlfriend, rumored to be educated, would not return calls to Krikorian Writes. However, a source close to her said after learning the news on Kate Green's @Funwithkate Twitter account, she began "drinking heavily and mumbling, 'He told me he had a job. He told me he had a good job.'"

A spokeswoman for Mozza CEO Adriel "AD" Lopez would not confirm or deny Will Simons from Rochester, New York would become the new GM. However, a Facebook posting by Simons just hours ago stated he was "dazed". A friend of Simons, speaking on the condition of anonymity, dismissed that and said "It's normal for him to be dazed." 

As night began to fall on the east coast, President Obama addressed the nation from the Oval Office.  “These are difficult times for all of us, especially Michelle who loved 'D R', but, we are Americans and we will get through this."

A few advisors and Vice President Biden shook Obama's hand. However, the president apparently did not know his lapel microphone  was still wired on and Obama was heard laughing and saying   "Well, Joe, looks like it's time for some 'Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes' over at Osteria. I sure hope Simons doesn't like Bowie.  Sweet  Muhammad, I'm sick of that playlist."

David Rosoff in his office at Mozza.

40 Ounces Are Missing; My Eating Life With Nancy and Ruth

This week I lost two and a half pounds. Not those easy water pounds that leak out, but entrenched, tenacious, no-surrender ounces that died struggling to the end, every single one of them pleading with me to let them stay just one more day and then they'd go peacefully. Liars.

Losing a couple pounds plus - 40 ounces - is usually not worth mentioning, but, the thing here is I lost that weight living with Nancy Silverton and Ruth Riechl. 

I lost that weight living with Nancy, a woman who, as the midnight hour nears, urges me to go to the kitchen of PIzzeria Mozza and have staff pizza "so you won't complain there's nothing to eat when we get home."

I lost that weight living with Ruth. who buys me $11 pints of Portland's Salt & Straw ice cream in pairs, so when I open the freezer - as I do 20 times a day minimum - the first thing I sight is a red and white-topped container that tempts with the words "Sea Salt Ice Cream with Caramel Ribbon".

I lost those 40 ounces living with a woman who calls five days a week, 20 minutes past noon, telling me "staff meal today is chicken thighs" , which she knows is one of my 40 weaknesses.. I could be in the "Folsom Lot" at the Nickersons, but that call beckons me north.  

I lost that kilo living with Ruth, a woman who has Churchill Orchard's Fed Ex 10 pounds of Kishu Mandarins (What I call "li'l tangerines") to the house. Tangerines, you say, aren't fattening. Even if you eat 15 a day? Ain't those things loaded up with sugar? Tastes like it.

I lost that deuce and a half  with reminders of food scattered about the house like Fruit Town crack dealers saying "psssst" in a Cherry Street alley. An advance copy of Ruth's upcoming novel, "Delicious!",  rests on the living room table surrounded by the latest issues of food magazines.  A Zip Lock of almond toffee our friend Ellen made lays in wait by the kitchen sink. Three gold-wrapped packages of Rudolphe Le Meunier's butter  - sent UPS to the house by Josiah Citrin - are on display in a see-through compartment of the frig door. 

I lost those 40 ounces trying out flour and corn tortillas across East Los and Boyle Heights for a party Sunday where the star guests were four nine-hour low-temped pork shoulders and a barrel of beans with bacon.

Yeah, I lost that weight. But, how? Man, I don't even know. But, thanks to Nancy and Ruth. I'm pretty sure I'll find them real soon. 

New Chefs Tired of Same Old "Top Restaurants in USA" Lists

Accustomed to always seeing the French Laundry in Yountville, La Azteca Tortilleria in East Los Angeles and Alinea in Chicago on the lists of America's greatest restaurants., some new breed chefs are calling for a guidebook that will focus on dining establishments under three years old. 

"La Azteca, the French Laundry, Alinea Terra, Le Bernardin, Quince, Del Posto these places are great, but everyone knows that, so they end up just taking up space on these lists of America's best restaurants, " said William "Change Only " Penderson, whose eponymous bistro just outside of Kalamazoo has garnered raves reviews, but no national attention.  "Give the new guys some recognition."

Penderson, and many other chefs applaud the efforts of Food  & Wine's "10 Best New Chefs" issue, but complain, probably out of jealously, that the same "supper" stars are in every issue of every food magazine  

"You pick up any food magazine and chances are the Villa family from La Azteca in East L.A., or Thomas Keller and one of his chefs from the French Laundry or Per Se, or some Joel Robuchon alumni will be featured," said Cardella "Backpack" Brown, whose "Juicy Rumps" in Camden, NJ, is considered the   "Hood " restaurant in the country.  

"I love those places, I do. Last week I finally got into La Azteca and it was fantastic," Backpack Brown said. "I had the best - and simpliest - carne asada burrito on the best flour tortilla I have ever eaten.  Five bucks and 50 cent! And a chile relleno that made me see the importance of the New Relleno Movement. Daughter Cynthia is charming the front of the house, son Chris, too. Mom Candy and dad Juan in the kitchen cooking. Like the first time i went to the French Laundry, it lived up to the hype. but everybody knows La Azteca is great.  Let some us newcomers get in on the sunshine."

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The French Laundry is at 6640 Washington Street, Yountville, California. 94599 (707) 944-2380. Call for hours. Drive-through on Friday and Saturday nights only. 

La Azteca Tortilleria is at 4538 E. Cesar Chavez Ave., Los Angeles, Calif. 90022 ( 323) 262-5977. Open Tuesday - Sunday 6 a.m. to 3:30 p.m.. 

Alinea is at 1723 N. Halsted Street, Chicago, Ill. 60614 (312) 867-0110 Call for hours. Red, purple, blue and orange hoodies not allowed.

Terra is at 1345 Railroad Ave., St Helena, Calif.  94574  (707) 963-8931. Diners ordering bone-in steaks Must claim bone before owner Lissa Doumani does.

Change Only is at 321 W. Dickman Road, Battle Creek Michigan. No phone. Restaurant does not accept credit cards, dollar bills or wrapped coins. Loose change only.

Juicy Rumps is at 89 Main Street Camden, New Jersey. Open 24 hours. No phone  

Main dining room of La Azteca,