JOINT SENATE/HOUSE INVESTIGATION OF MISSING SINGLE SOCKS REVEALS STUNNING RESULTS

A joint U.S. Senate and House of Representative three-year investigation concluded Monday with the extraordinary findings that Black Americans and White Americans lose single socks after a washing/drying session at nearly identical rates.

 The joint committee, chaired by Joe Manchin (D-South Virgina,) found out that for every 100 washing and drying episodes, White Americans lost a single sock 34.72% of the time, while Blacks lost a single sock 34.74% of them time.

 “I know many Americans were initially outraged that senators and congressional representatives took three years to get these findings, but with these fascinating results, I am almost pretty sure they will understand the time and millions of dollars spent were well worth it,” said Manchin, a professional bitch.

 Others said the findings were extremely “telling”.

 “Although it was closer than I thought, 34.72% to 34.74%, it is clearly a win for White Americans,” said Marjorie Taylor Greene, a relatively well-known fecal matter. “Maybe the darks should organize their clothes better, or at least look harder in the dryer for a missing sock.  Hey, I just realized that darks probably don’t separate dark and white clothing. That sure says something.”

 When pressed by Bob Woodward what that actually “says”, she refused to answer.

 After releasing the findings both the senate and the house announced they would be on summer vacation and would resume meetings in early October to discuss the Russian invasion of Ukraine and, more importantly to figure out a way to lower the price of gasoline by six cents per gallon without resulting in block-long lines at gas stations across the United States of America. Congressional  analysts has stated a  drop of 6 pennies for a gallon would mean that American drivers could save 96 cents – nearly one dollar - on a single 16 gallon fill-up.

 “To some, that may not seem like a lot,” said fecal matter Taylor-Greene. “But if you fill up 400 million times, that would really add up.”