L.A. Mayor Garcetti Backs City Council Plan To Officially Rename Homeless People As "Urban Campers"

You’ve seen the tents, from the Figueroa Street financial district to Sunset & Vine, from the bluffs of Santa Monica to the alleys of Koreatown. The tents, tens of thousands of them donated, have replaced cardboard boxes as the “homes” of the homeless. Once banished to the forsaken land known as Skid Row, they are now on view all over town for residents and tourist to glance and ignore.

Well now, hoping to stem the negative connotation that come with the word “homeless”. the mayor of Los Angeles, Gil Garcetti, who has all but announced he is running for president, has backed a City Council proposal to rename those unfortunate folks as“Urban Campers”.

“Who doesn’t like to camp?” said Garcetti, who has clearly never met Nancy Silverton or my sister Jeanine Krikorian Ash. “I think the city will benefit greatly as image is everything in this town. .Besides. if we do rename them, i can boast I got rid of the homeless.”

Several City Council members were vocal in their support of the mayor.

“Some people camp at Tuolumne Meadows in Yosemite,” said councilman Duke Feldmeier, whose 1st District includes Skid Row. “Others like a spot off ‘Going To The Sun Road ‘ in Glacier National Park in Montana. Then there are those “Urban Campers” who go for 5th and Wall. To each his own.”

Some thought the new term was a natural progression for these downtrodden.

“They used to be called bums,” said Los Angeles deputy archbishop Rev. Lon M Burns “Then we upgraded them to homeless. Now they are going to be urban campers. Who knows? They way they set up camp near courthouses, in another few years we might start calling them judges.”

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George Pelecanos, Cassandra Robbins, Michael Connelly Top New York Times Best Fall Reads

Many publications have their “Best Summer Reads,” articles, but what happens when Autumn comes? People just don’t stop reading after Sept. 20th. Fortunately, the New York Times Sunday Book Review came out today with their list of the “Best Reads of Fall”.

Topping the list were two perennial favorite crime novelists, Michael Connelly and George Pelecanos. But, the surprise was a newcomer who made it into the top three, Cassandra Robbins, whose steamy debut romance novel, “Entitled” has already caused controversy.

Sunday afternoon, at a gathering at the author’s home in East Encino, the LAPD was called when a guest began to read the opening erotic pages to the several hundred attendees.

“Deeper..Yeah…that’s it, suck me hard,” read the man, whose identification was not made public.

Immediately, three mother’s in the crowd yelled in unison. “There are children present!”. One of them called 911. After a bit of confusion and yelling, the police arrested the book reader on charges of “reading hard core sexually explicit material in the presence of minors.”

The man arrested was lead away in cuffs yelling “Children should be present! The book is about Reed and Tess, two 8-year-olds who become soul mates!”

Robbins, who has a second book coming out, said she had no idea who the reader was, but was not at all despondent. “I’ll take any publicity on “Entitled” I can get.” Robbins’ second book, “The Enlightened” is due out soon.

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Brett "Li'l Bitch" Kavanaugh Breaks Shirley Temple's 81-Year-Old Record For Crying

In the 1937 film “Wee Willie Winkie”, childhood superstar Shirley Temple broke down in tears a stunning 11 times in a 55-minute span of the movie, widely considered her best. That pace, one crying fit every five minutes for nearly an hour, was thought to be one of those records that would never be broke. We are talking DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak, here. Chamberlain’s 100 points in a game.

But, Thursday, before a senate hearing Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh did what few thought could be done. He broke Shirley Temple’s legendary record as he broke down - weeping, crying, sobbing - an unheard of 13 times in less than 45 minutes. The crying fit earned Kavanaugh the nickname of Li’l Bitch, which he will be formally known as as soon as he gets his new driver’s license.

Kavanaugh’s SWS (Sobbing Webbing Style), has been compared to that of Carrie Mathison, the Homeland Security agent who breaks down several times a season on “Homeland”. But, while the federal court judge uses some of Mathison’s trademark quivering mouth technique, he takes it a step beyond by deploying his tongue deep into his left cheek. This creates the “bulging cheek” look, a look Kavanaugh seems unable to produce in other parts of his body.

After the quiver, then tongue-to-cheek move, Kavanaugh is unable to speak, he reaches for water and goes into the pathetic look mode that has universally earned him the title of Li’l Bitch.

It should be noted that his crying, sobbing, weeping does not produces actual tears, as pointed out by noted psychiatrist Wendi Matthews. “That little bitch is full of shit,” Dr. Matthews said.

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"She's Ruining Mozza", I Am Part of the Resistance Against Nancy Silverton, An Anonymous Op-Ed

In a shocking and controversial opinion-editorial published anonymously in the Los Angeles Times, the writer of the scathing piece, a high-ranking employee of the celebrated Mozza Corner,  asserts schef/owner Nancy Silverton  is dangerously close to ruining her beloved restaurants at the intersection of Highland and Melrose in Hollywood South.

The Op-Ed paints an organization in turmoil with other high-ranking employees banding together like a renegade outfit in effort to reign in Silverton, perhaps the single most admired chef in the United States.

However, the Times is getting tons of criticism for publishing the piece anonymously, and Silverton and her cadre have expressed disgust and worse. While Silverton herself has called the writer "gutless" and and "a nimrod", her chief of security, Michael Krikorian, has vowed to find the culprit and "spray paint his or her bitch-ass hair purple and drop the gutless wonder off in the Nickersons," referring to the Bounty Hunter Blood-controlled Nickerson Gardens housing project in Watts which is associated with the color red. In other words, a death sentence.

Below is the actual op-ed.   For the record, we here at K Writes do not agree, support or condone anonymous articles. 

"I am part of the resistance to chef Nancy Silverton and her running and, dare I say, close to ruining the Mozza Corner. As a high-ranking member of her staff, I can say I am not alone. I will list a few particulars that I feel paint a portrait of a woman who travels too much. whose "inspirations and creations"  are often stolen from other chefs from faraway lands and who always seems just a wee little too nice to strangers.

For example, from June 19 to July 25, the peak of summer business, Silverton was not at the Corner at all, choosing instead to travel to Umbria, Italy and leave the city's most important restaurants in the hands of two young Korean-Americans, a white girl with the last name of Nguyen and an Italian American whose mind is focused almost entirely on someone named Zoe, his girlfriend who lives 2,299 miles away in Washington D.C..

Can you imagine Girardet or Bottura or Soltner  or Cecchini leaving their restaurants for a month during the busiest season and putting glorified teenagers in charge?

In the office, a confusion not seen since Watergate cover-up reigns supreme. The conversation there runs the gambit from Donald Trump to wedding planning to geometric purses to the Dodgers, but rarely does the topic of how to improve the restaurants come up  Though Silverton does not have a desk. she has a "Slot box" on the wall where her mail goes. and she often uses the desk of her chief aide-de-camp. Kate Green, as a drop point.. 

In one recent incident of thwarting Silverton's travel plans, a group of us in the "resistance", took out an invitation for Nancy to cook in celebration of the one-year anniversary of the Iraqi army retaking Mosul from ISIS.  She is so excited to travel anywhere she often doesn't do research into where she is going. A trip to Mosul could not possibly  benefit Mozza. Thanks to myself and others, she never knew of this hair-brained invitation.

To be clear, ours is not the popular “resistance” of the left or right. We want the Nancy administration to succeed and think that many of her policies have already made Los Angeles a far better dining city. 

But we believe our first duty is to the Corner, and Nancy Silverton continues to sometimes act in a manner that is detrimental to the health of our beloved Mozza..

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Rachel Grisafi Becomes 1st Sicilian American To Win Mozza's Employee Of Month Award, Celebrations In Palermo Turn Violent

What began as a joyous celebration of one of their own - Rachel Grisafi - being honored with the coveted Mozza Employee of the Week Award , turned into a raucous free-for -all as an unruly crowd in Sicily's capital city of Palermo smashed pastry shop windows, stole several thousand cannoli, blocked traffic and took at least two dozen sardines hostage.

Leoluca Orlando, the mayor of Palermo, made a impassioned televised plea for calm, promising to release an unauthorized DVD of Grisafi taking a dip in South of France beach. That seemed to pacify most of the crowd.  It all stemmed from Grisafi winning the prestigious Employee of the Month Award on the Corner, the nearly mythical southwest intersection of Highland and Melrose in Hollywood.

Though "Classified" we have obtained a copy of the report that announced Rachel Grisafi's victory. It follows below:   

Picture this. You’re out on a romantic dinner date, and who walks up to your table but Carmelo Soprano, low-cut and all, big coco brown eyes smiling, earrings big enough for Lebron to shoot hoops through, and she’s holding your magnum of ’98 Gianfranco Soldera Brunello di Montalcino and she says “How’s this two-bit vino rosso working out for you lovers?”

If you know the Osteria, then you know I’m talking about Rachel Grisafi, the newest Mozza Employee of the Month  (aka EOM).

Rachel, aka “Carm”, grew up in – big surprise coming – Philly, and man, does it show.  Story has it when she was 13, she was dating Rocky Balboa. But, the lure of California was strong and Carm headed west.

She joined the Mozza squad on June 25, 2015 and under the leadership of Sarah Clarke, she’s become part of La Famiglia. You could say Mozza is her second famiglia. The first one being La Cosa Nostra in Sicily where authorities detained her briefly this past April . 

“She’s one of the warmest human beings I know,” said Jason Emanuel, a former EOM himself. “Her sense of hospitality is second to none.”

Owen and Sarah have observed something quite unique about her. Her height seems to vary – not anything to do with flats of high heels – but by the size of her trademark hoop earrings.

“It’s kind of bizarre,” said Owen, “But Sarah and I have both noticed that the bigger the hoops, and, as you know, they can be enormous, the taller she appears.”

Still, as much as the praise came in on word was released that Rachel had won the EOM, there was some concern about her floor performance from none other than her Boss of all Bosses, Nancy Silverton.

“The one drawback about Rachel is she is almost too chipper.”

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Bocuse, Guzman, Loiseau, Marchesi, Escoffier Threaten Strike At Tony Gold's After Robuchon Named Chef de Cuisine

A week after Paradise was thrilled to learn Jonathan Gold and Anthony Bourdain were opening a restaurant together called Tony Gold's, the establishment has become embroiled in controversy after the announcement Thursday that Joel Robuchon would be the chef de cuisine.

Four already-hired chefs -  Auguste Escoffier, Fernand Point, Juan "Queso Guzman, Gualtiero Marchesi, Paul Bocuse and Bernard Loiseau  - threatened to walk off the job when they learned Robuchon. who only entered paradise late Sunday night, would be the main man in the heavenly kitchen.

"This is some straight out bullshit, " Escoffier said, throwing a gigantic pan of tournedos Rossini off a Mount Olympus crag.  "I've been up here for, what, 83 years and mashed potato boy been here a few days and he gets the nod?"

Point, formerly of planet Earth's storied La Pyramide in Vienne, France, was also flummoxed. "Joey R is one of the greats, we all know that. But, he really hasn't paid his dues up here.  That's all I'm saying."

As for his part, Guzman, the nearly mystical inventor of the quesadilla, seemed to strike a conciliatory gesture. "Maybe we could rotate. Ya know, like they do in baseball. Koufax one day, then Gibson and so on."

Loiseau, of Earth's Hotel de la Cote d'Or in Saulieu, Burgundy who was praised - and chided - for his water-based sauces, was perplexed. "I guess this means butter time.  Point must be fuckin' thrilled to the point of wood.

Equaling Escoffier in his outrage was Paul Bocuse who is not used to taking orders from anyone, not even French Presidents, said if Robuchon gave him an order he would likely not comply. "When mashed potato boy makes a truffle soup like mine, then maybe'll i'll listen.    

For those coupla dozen Earthlings who don't know yet, last week it was announced the two legends, Jonathan Gold and Anthony Bourdain, had teamed up to open a restaurant named Tony Gold's  There was rejoice from the pearled gates all the way to the summit of Mount Olympus.

A chef de cuisine had not been named, though Bocuse, Guzman's, Point's and Escoffier's name had been bandied about. Then Robuchon, with his 31 stars, moved up and the controversy began. 

Gold and Bourdain, reportedly touring the area in search of Pico Boulevard in Jonathan's Dodge Ram 4-door truck- with the famously well-fed dog Zeke in the truck's bed - were unavailable for comment.

Many local residents were stunned, but felt it was either too soon to comment or out of their field of expertise. . 

"I've been up here for 3,425 years, but leave me out of this one," said Moses, a commandment writer. "You need a sea parted, then get to me, but I don't know jack about the kitchen."  

As for Joel Robuchon himself, well, he wasn't all that thrilled with the new gig. "Look, I just want to cook. As far as I'm concerned, they ought to make Muhammad Ali the main man. At least, everyone would listen to him.

(For the previous article check - http://www.krikorianwrites.com/blog/2018/8/3/v0ozsrggefyha49ye3jtu6f1304x9q

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BREAKING NEWS Eater Heaven Says Jonathan Gold and Anthony Bourdain To Open Restaurant Together

In an utterly astounding joint statement that sent the four winds howling from the summit of Mount Olympus through Valhalla and to the very pearled gates of Paradise, Jonathan Gold and Anthony Bourdain announced Friday they would open a restaurant together.

"It's in the early planning stages, but the working name is Tony Gold's," Bourdain told Watts Times mythical Mozza beat reporter Morty Goldstein, Sr. during drinks at Jilly's Saloon. "We both thought Jonathan Bourdain's sounded too fancy."

Gold confirmed the report to Eater Heaven's Farley Elliot VIII and added the place would sit 56,000, just like his cherished Dodger Stadium.  

"The seats will be much nicer than those at the Stadium and the parking lot will be vastly improved with food trucks scattered about," Gold said. "Tony and I have already contacted Enzo Ferrari about handling valet and he actually hired Fangio, Senna and Jim Clark earlier today. It's on.".

As for the food, it will most certainly be worldly. Gold and Bourdain have already talked to a few chefs including, according to sources,  French legends Auguste Escoffier and Fernand Point as well as Juan "Queso" Guzman, the storied East Culiacan-born inventor of the quesadilla. 

Eater Heaven obtained a portion of the interview Goldstein, Sr. did with the two recently arrived North Americans and some of it is published below.  The piece - which will run this Sunday in the Watts Times - is more a conversation between Gold and Bourdain, with Goldstein - wisely - staying mostly quite other than the occasional 'pop' of a shot glass being smashed onto the Jilly's bar top. The audio begins with Jonathan Gold ordering drinks.

Gold – We’ll have the Nebuchadnezzar of 356 B.C. Cheval Blanc.

Bourdain – In shot glasses. Forget those goblets.   

(Sound of wine being opened and poured.)

Bourdain - The 356 B..C. is a great vintage.

Gold - Alexander's birth year.

.They sip.

Bourdain - So, well, how'd you get here, J Gold?

Gold - "Ram."

Bourdain - Really? Sounds uncomfortable.

Gold - Not the animal, Bourdain.   My truck. The Dodge Ram.

Bourdain - Sweet

(A few shot glasses hit the bar top.)

Bourdain - Man, I was shocked and saddened to hear about you.

Gold - As was I you.

Bourdain - But man, the outpouring. The sendoff. Was beautiful, brother. I was watching it on the Big Screen at Perino's.

Gold - Perino's has a big screen?

Bourdain - They brought it in for you.   Last time was Ali-Frazier. The Thrilla in Manila. . Anyway, I was watching, and they had on "live" Ruth and Nancy staying up til dawn’s early light in Umbria talking about you.  Was beautiful.

Gold – I’m a fortunate man to have friends like that.

Bourdain - And Ruth's story. That kicker.  I don't even want to repeat it.

Gold - Don't.

Bourdain - I won't. But, let me ask you something about Nancy and Ruth. They're beautiful. Successful. Kindhearted.  They got it all. But, only one thing makes me wonder about them, especially about Nancy..

Gold - What?

Bourdain -   Nancy's boyfriend. What are they doing with that guy?   Half the time he's going on about the Nickersons, Grape Street, the 60s.

Gold - Ah, Krikorian, he ain't as hard as he lets on. In fact, something rough happen to Laurie and the kids?  Hell, Krikorian, he'd be there in the first wave.

Bourdain - That's comforting.

(The glasses hit the bar top)

Gold – You know, I’m from Rollin’ 60s.  Grew up on 63rd Street.  My ‘hood just about invented the drive-by.

Bourdain – Hmmp. I always associated you more with drive-ins.

They both laugh.  

Bourdain - I got another question for you.  That friend of yours, Margy.  What's up with that slow dance thing of hers?

Gold (laughs) - She was just making the kids and Laurie and me us feel not so down in the room. 

Bourdain - She's not exactly Ginger Rogers.

Gold - Hey, speaking of Ginger, you seen Fred up here?

Bourdain - Last night.  He was dancing and singing “Cheek to Cheek”.  Man, when you hear that opening line up here? Whoa.

Gold – Hey, Anthony, at our restaurant we should have Fred give dance lessons. Like on Friday at happy hour.

Bourdain – I love it. Fred Fridays.

(Shot glasses hit the bar top.)

Bourdain – We’ll probably need a mascot.

Just then, a sweet-looking golden retriever rescue - with rear legs that appear to be made completely of two whole prosciutto di Parma - ambles nearby. Gold stares.

Gold - Zeke? Hey, Zeke! When did you get here?

Zeke -Tuesday. Eh yo, I was at your birthday party Saturday.  Burgers were great! Nabbed me seven.

Bourdain - That’s the dog who stole my cheeseburger the one time I was at a Nancy’s backyard barbecue.

Gold - That claim hardly puts you in an elite unit.  He’ll be working the room

They clink glasses.

Gold - We'll need a sommelier  or two, right TB?

Bourdain - Right, JG.  Hey, how about that kid used to somm at Mozza?  Used to work "The First Supper" up here before he got canned. He knew his grapes.

Gold - Jeremiah Henderson.. Good idea.  

Bourdain -   So it’s Tony Gold’s

Gold - Tony Gold’s it is..

Glasses clink.

Bourdain – And next month when you do the 101 Best Restaurants in Heaven you can rate it #1 and do that disclaimer you do for Nancy and the Mozza Corner.

Glasses clink.

Bourdain – So, Gold, where exactly up here do you think we should locate our restaurant?

Gold – Come on, Bourdain.   They gotta have a Pico Boulevard up here.

- 30

"Heaven, I'm in heaven  

And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak;  

And I seem to find the happiness I seek

When we're out together and dancing cheek to cheek   - Cole Porter

BREAKING UPDATE - The Great One, Joel Robuchon,  will command the kitchen at Tony Gold's. 

 on the fabled road to pellicano

on the fabled road to pellicano

 

 

Top Ten Reasons Michael Cimarusti Hasn't Won The James Beard Award

By Nancy Silverton and Michael Krikorian

For the eighth year in a row, Michael Cimarusti, one of the great chefs of, not only the West, but the entire United States, failed to come home with a James Beard Award. 

Investigative reporters from the Washington Post and the Los Angeles Times looked into why this is so. Here are the top ten reasons Michael Cimarusti has not won a James Beard Award

10. Never properly thanked Mrs. Paul for Providence's most popular dish, fish sticks..

9.  Beard voters automatically assume Michael C has already won.

8.  Close ties to feared organized crime figure Donato "Don" Poto 

7.  Actually believes that bullshit line "It's an honor just to be nominated."

6.  Always gets the most votes, but since voters misspell his last name, they aren't counted.

5  Most people think Providence is in Rhode Island, 

4. Backlash by presenters who fear they can't pronounced his name.

3. Doesn't really want to win, because then he can't be nominated

2. It was learned he hired a renowned watercolorist to paint spots on regular prawns

!. And the number 1 reason.....Michael Cimarusti already has a beard.

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"The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done", Daniel Zaragoza, Aka The Fastest Dreamer, Runs The Boston Marathon

Daniel Zaragoza, the famed "Fastest Dreamer", had a game plan for yesterday's Boston Marathon and it was fairly simple; Run 26 miles and 385 yards in Boston one second faster than his stunning debut at the 2017 Los Angeles Marathon which he completed in two hours, 35 minutes and 24 seconds. . 

But, The Gods had plans of their own. Cold, slanting rains and persistent head winds - as well as long Bostonian hills - "slowed" Mozza2Go Go Go's Marathon Man down to 2:48.53, just over 13 minutes off his pace in L.A. when he was the 20th fastest runner overall.. 

"It was the hardest thing I've done in my entire life," Zaragoza said hours after the race. "My game plan was to go at a six minute pace, but that became 6:10. then it became just to finish. Yes, it was tough. Like, really tough."

At mile 23, the Fastest Dreamer came up with a  new goal.  "With three miles to go I just wanted to survive."

He survived and was, after an initial disappointment,  thrilled to have competed in America's premier marathon 

Yuki Kawauchi, 31 of Japan,   2:15.58 of Japan won the race with a time of 2:15.58

Desiree Lindon, 34 of Chula Vista, California, with a time of 2:39.54, became the first American to win women's event in 33 years

Tim Don, the world-record holder in the Ironman triathlon, who broke his neck six months ago, finished in 2:49:42.

Daniel Zaragoza's life was featured in this article published a week ago in the Times of London, the Beirut Daily News, the Stalingrad Sentinel and right here in Krikorian Writes. Here it is.

http://www.krikorianwrites.com/blog/2018/4/12/the-fastest-dreamer-daniel-zaragoza-mozza2go-go-gos-marathon-man-is-off-to-boston

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