I have never given a great deal of thought to whether a train conductor could possibly be gay. Or not, for that matter.
But, after learning that the conductor on the Ferrari-wannabe Amtrak train that crashed this week near Philadelphia appears to be a homosexual, it certainly makes one wonder: Are there other gay train conductors? Or is Brandon Bostian, who apparently supports gay marriage, the only one?
.Well, thanks to Indiana governor Mike Pence, we will soon find out. Reacting with the speed and leadership desperately needed in these trying times, Pence has initiated an emergency bill in Congress to determine the sexual orientation of all Amtrak train conductors operating in the United States.
(The bill, which already passed the Senate last night during midnight session and is expected to pass today in the House. also marks the first time a governor has been allowed to introduce a bill in both houses of congress.)
Pence addressed a pro decency gathering held this morning in Gary, Indiana.
"We need to know what the train, the train. what's is it? A driver? It's not a pilot, I know that. Whatever it is, Oh, wait, It's a conductor. We need to know what the train conductor is thinking about when he goes into a tight, dark corner," said Pence as he stood in front of a Gary liquor store where two people were shot and killed two nights ago.
But, is a study about train conductors enough? There are some jobs you just don't figure gays would be good at, or even want. But, could they be employed at these jobs secretly?
Take, for example, coal miners.
One would think coal miners are all hetros. But, when you really give it some thought, the gig of a coal miner would be a good place to be a homo. You're with a bunch of guys. Most of them in good relatively shape. It's dark. There's that hard hat everyone has that seems like it could be used for all sorts of gay activity.
Will Pence, or maybe Ted Cruz or Jeb Bush introduce a bill to study the secret desires of coal miners? Or Astronauts. Hey, is gay marriage even legal on Mars?. Or Saturn? Or Neptune? Everyone knows what's up in Uranus.
Man, to quote Tony Montana, "What the fuck difference does it make?"