The United States Attorney General said Monday that a newly-added daily special offered at Los Angeles' Pizzeria Mozza might actually pose a mental health issue because it "may exceed legal flavor limits and is so delicious it could delude diners into believing 'all is right in the world'."
Attorney General Loretta E. Lynch made the surprising announcement after meeting with two assistants who had tried the calamari-stuffed potato drenched in Green Goddess dressing during Friday's lunch service at the establishment on the fabled corner of Highland and Melrose avenues in the city's Hancock Park district.
"They seemed almost giddy after lunch," Lynch told reporters at the Ronald Reagan Federal Building downtown., "No, not 'seemed'. They were giddy. My aide-de-camp Francisco Boroquois went so far as to comment on international matters, something he is not authorized to do."
When Lynch didn't elaborate, several reporters pressed her and she somewhat reluctantly revealed that Boroquois had said "Syrian peace talks in Geneva would be a bigger, more smashing success than [the Broadway musical] 'Pal Joey.'" At that point, Lynch said she "became concerned".
When humans experience above-the-legal- limit flavor, they tend to become delusional and think irrationally, albeit in a positive, borderline euphoric manner that results in extremely low level of productivity.
Legal limits on food flavor are virtually unknown to the public because they are so high and very seldom exceeded. The only known modern-day successful prosecution of exceeding the flavor limit occurred in 1996 in Switzerland, when authorities were able to prove that famed chef Fredy Girardet was regularly passing the 15,000 flavor (brain) waves per minute, aka FWPM, at his temple of gastronomy in Crissier, near Lausanne. Girardet was ordered to tone it down. He opted to retire on Nov. 30, 1996.
Though numerical conversion of brain wave rotations derived from food flavor is difficult for most to even comprehend, professor of biodynamics Malcolm P Widdles of Stanford University said the simplest way to grasp the concept is to think of a high-revving Formula One engine, whose legal limits are strikingly similar to legal flavor limit, numerically speaking.
"Currently, a Formula One race car engine - McLaren, Ferrari, Mercedes -can revolve up to 15,000 times a minute," Widdles said "This is known as RPMs. It just so happens that the current legal flavor limits, agreed to by both the United States government and the United Nations General Assembly, is also 15,000, but in this case, FWPM. which produces excessive euphoria. If the car exceeds the limit, it could blow up. If the human brain does, it loses track of reality and is focuses solely on pleasure. Now, that may sound like a good thing - and it is for periods up to seven hours - but. ultimately, it isn't. The world would stop functioning properly if everyone was above the flavor limits. (Not that it is functioning entirely properly now.)
That, said Attorney General Lynch, was the problem with Mozza co-owner and chef Nancy Silverton's calamari-stuffed potato with Green Goddess dressing "People eat it and they kind of go haywire."
A Mozza, maitre D', Eva Gallner ate just a little bit of the special and just kept mumbling, "Too much flavor. Too much flavor. Too much flavor." The restaurant's general manager,Christine Larroucau, had to remove Gallner from the floor. She is expected to return Wednesday, though sources said she will not be allowed to work on Fridays when the potato is expected to return.
As of press time, no charges have been filed against Silverton and most legal experts don't think she will be charged with a crime since she is technically not cooking the potato herself. . However, Pizzeria Mozza chefs Tiffany Fox, Maika Rothfuss, Nikko Marquez, Jeremy Barnett and Scott Brandaw could face legal actions if the flavor of the calamari stuffed potato with Green Goddess dressing is not limited to 15,000 FWPM..
UPDATE - After this story broke, the Israeli government lodged a formal complaint with the United States Ambassador to Israel claiming that Silverton and Mozza staff members Dahlia Narvaez and Elizabeth "Go Go" Hong stole this recipe from the Tel Aviv restaurant North Abraxas.