"Beat n' Bleach", Nigeria's Largest Hoax Attack Firm Announces Major Layoffs After Botched Jussie Smollett Mugging

In a rapid response to the arrest of television actor Jussie Smollet “Beat n’ Bleach”, the firm that employed the two men to fake-attack him with a noose, quasi bleach and fingernails while denouncing him as he held onto a Subway sandwich announced Sunday it would layoff 90% of their employees.

“This has been a significant blow to Beat n’ Bleach,’ said the company’s founder Tito Amin, nephew of a former Ugandan dictator . “I thought the Jussie mugging would be a boon to us, but it backfired like a Cape Buffalo with the shits. I’m cutting 90% of my in work force.” ( for the record, latest statistics indicate that Beat n’ Bleach employed 10 workers. So if Amin is telling the truth - not something his family is known for - it would leave only him employed there.)

Two brothers, Ola and Abel Asundairo, now-former employees of the Lagos-based Beat n‘ Bleach, and Smollett apparently underestimated the surveillance camera capability in Chicago, a town known for many things, but not for either hangings or bleachings.

Lagos, the largest city in Africa, is actually known for bleachings. According to the World Health Organization. Nigeria has the highest rate of skin bleaching in Africa. Worldwide, the Nigerians are ranked third in the world for bleaching, behind second place India and winner Norway. home to the greatest bleachers in recorded history.

Back to Smolletts, stupidity scholars at the University of Chicago were hard at work trying to figure out what was the 2nd stupidest thing ever committed in the Windy City.

One person who came out looking decidedly smart and strong in this bizarre ass story was Chicago Police Superintendent Eddie Johnson who took control of the news conference Thursday and angrily denounced Smolletts.

“Why,” Johnson said, “would anyone, especially an African-American man, use the symbolism of a noose to make false accusations? How could someone look at the hatred and suffering associated with that symbol and see an opportunity to manipulate that symbol to further his own public profile? How can an individual who has been embraced by the city of Chicago turn around and slap everyone in this city in the face by making these false claims?”

Eddie Johnson , The impressive Chicago chief of police ( called a superintendent there)

Eddie Johnson , The impressive Chicago chief of police ( called a superintendent there)