Sept, 29, 2013 A.D.
At least 14 people were wounded by falling bullets Saturday in Tuscany after rambunctious revelers fired their AK-47s skyward in a wild celebration for the birthday of Kimberly Wicks, aka "The Grace Kelly of Panzano" , aka "Killa Kim". None of injuries were life threatening, though many reported a strange, even-more-intense-than-usual craving for "Burro di Chianti" aka lardo.
Officials estimated up to six million people converged on the Chianti countryside to get a chance to met Kim and Dario Cechini, a butcher much better known as "Kim's Husband." In downtown Panzano itself, where the couple are often found working, drinking and generally having a wonderful life, the mood was that of a liberated village.
Cleaning crews from around Europe and the Middle East were still being deployed in Tuscany late Sunday following a massive and wild celebration
Wicks, whose official title is Head Dishwasher at Antica Macelleria Cecchini, is widely considered to be the First Lady of Panzano. She first came to Italy in the 1990s, hoping to escape a life of crime in California where she hung out with the like of Big Evil, and Big Mike, both of the infamous MAKMAK47 Revolutionary Brigade. It was in California where she earned the nickname Killa Kim", as well as her other Nom de Guerre "The Blonde Widow" after her first nine husbands died mysteriously.
Her tenth husband, Dario "the Butcher", seems to be having the time of his life. As a gift to his beloved wife, Dario presented Kim with a 2,337 year-old-tin of Ancho;vies, originally given to Alexander the Great for conquering Panzano in 324 b.c..
Alexander had stashed the tin with orders not to open until "Another extraordinary event occurs in, in, where are we again? India? Persia? Tyre? Oh, yeah, Panzano"