The Oracle of Delphi Explains Why Monty is Leaving Los Angeles

I was in Greece when the shocking news broke that Montgomery "Monty" Maguire,  the most charmingly disgruntled employee in the long, colorful history of Mozza - and one of my favorites - was leaving. I asked Nancy why and she said  "He's moving to the south".  

Why? I mean who would actually move to the south? I had never even heard of such a thing. The day after hearing this, I found myself in the ancient city of Delphi so I hiked up to the Temple of Apollo where the Oracle of Delphi resides, ( rent free for over 3,000 years I am told) and had a fairly extensive chat with Pythia, the oracle and a priestess of Apollo, the Sun God himself. Talk about a gig. 

I had many questions for her, including one Nancy told me to ask the oracle., ("What is the meaning of life?).  Then I asked Pythia the real reason Monty was leaving Los Angeles. She blew off the rest of a joint and told me the following. 

"The real reasons Monty is leaving are varied and complex, The following played vital roles in his decision to leave town."

9. Felt responsibility and shame for having poured Verona her first drink and leading her down a path of debauchery and pillage.

8. Could no longer work with Brian Monahan after his daughter Marlo told him, "That guy looks at me funny."

7. Grew weary of hearing the countless tales of Puerto Rican life in the South Bronx from Luis.

6. Fled after being tipped off a DEA investigation had uncovered the "tapenade" Taylor Grant would ask for during shifts was actually black tar heroin.

5. Did not want Marlo growing up surrounded by hipster douche bags who complained their chablis was not "flinty" enough

4. Got a better paying job as Tony Romo's personal masseuse.

3.. Heard that David Rosoff had sold TMZ security camera footage of Monty and Timothy Jenkins (aka "That Black Bartender") locked in an intimate embrace while "closing "

2. Re-upped with Delta Force and is going to Syria and Iraq to kill those cowardly ISIL pussies

And the Number One reason Monty is leaving? Could no longer resist the way his wife Elizabeth Few would say "You know, Montgomery, Virginia is for lovers."

I'll miss you Monty. 

The Sun God's Temple in Delphi, Greece

The Sun God's Temple in Delphi, Greece