Surgery To Remove Bottle of Champagne Attached to Mike Hoagland's Body Called "Dismal Failure"

When two young doctors at the Mayo Clinic announced last week they were confident they could removed the bottle of champagne attached to Michael (Mike) Hoalgland's right rib cage, medical professionals from Napa to Reims were encouraged, yet skeptical.

Sunday morning, the skeptical side won out as the surgery proved to be what one hospital administrator called a "dismal failure."

"There were high hopes the bottle could be removed, but i think deep down most of us knew it was unlikely," said Douglas P. Zamensky, CFO* of the Mayo Clinic, generally thought to be the world's greatest hospital named after a sandwich spread. 

Hoagland, who once considered a career as  PGA golfer until he made up his mind to be an professional alcoholic, had for several years denied rumors the champagne bottle was actually attached to his body. In an effort to dissuade those rumors, Hoagland, a former server at Osteria Mozza, would changed the labels on the stuck-to-his-ribs bottle.

"I had heard the rumors, but then I'd see Mike with a Krug Grand Cuvee bottle, then a Dom Perignon Rose, then a Pol Roger Winston Churchill and I figured it couldn't be the same bottle." said Pilar Arias, the storied three Michelin-starred server formerly of Pizzeria Mozza.  "But, the way he would poured the bottle was weird.  Always with that crazy handstand, It was impressive at first. Then cute, But, after a while it was like 'Just pour that motherfucker.' Now, I know why. i hope MIke will be all right."

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L.A. Times Op-Ed on the 100th Anniversary of the Armenian Genocide, "They Tried. We Survived."

Remembrance Day: The Turks tried. The Armenians survived.

On Friday, thousands of Armenians, my people, my comrades — em ynker — will march to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the first recorded genocide of the 20th century. Thousands of us will demand recognition from the leaders of the Turkish government, an admission from them that their Ottoman Empire forefathers carried out atrocities, that it was a genocide: “acts committed with the intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, racial or religious group.”

I say “us” with a renewed personal sadness. Just last year my cousin discovered our fathers — Zaven, a.k.a. Sam, and Antranig, a.k.a. Tony — had a brother, Azad, who died between 1915 and 1921 near Van, in eastern Turkey.

Will I be in the proud and crazy crowd Friday? Yes, but I won't be making any demands. I don't demand things anymore that I don't think will happen.

 

I respect the fiery youths who will make the loudest noise, who will wave the red, blue and orange national flag from their black AMGs and silver M5s, who will chant for justice and carry signs and banners. I am proud of them. I admire them. I used to be them (to a fanatical point — I condoned violence), but it's just not me anymore. I think we should focus the march equally on how far my small-in-numbers people have come from the horror we endured.

 The Turks know the genocide happened. The pope knows it happened. President Obama knows it, even though he won't say it today. I mean, come on. There's DNA evidence to support a 5th century historian's claim that Armenia dates to 2492 BC. So on one fine spring day in 1915, did all the so-called Western Armenians suddenly decide it would be a good idea to just pick up and move to Beirut and Fresno and Watertown, Mass., and Aleppo, Syria? (Boy, we sure know how to pick 'em.)

Besides, who would claim to be a victim of a genocide that didn't happen? Who wants to be a genocide survivor? Even on our strange planet, that makes less-than-zero sense. Who is going to insist for 50 years that history be corrected (we were still too shellshocked to start the demonstrations before 1960), if they don't know that history in their bones? Who is going to keep saying, “Hey world, what about us? The Turks tried to exterminate us”?

And to me that's the thing. They tried; we survived. Today, I honor the dead from the early massacres in the 1890s and the death marches, from the deportations and the killings from 1915 to 1923. But I also honor the Armenians alive today.

I'm not going to cite the usual lineup of famous Armenians (but did you know Steve Jobs' adoptive mother, Clara Hagopian Jobs, was Armenian?). Instead, I have a personal honor role of great Armenians — the children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews, cousins and in-laws one or two or three generations removed from the ones who got away and the ones who didn't. The proof that my people live.

There are Vic and Greg Yedikian, my mechanics in Gardena. There's my preferred public defender, Alexandra “A.K.” Kazarian, and Krikor Tcholakian, the owner of Carousel restaurant in East Hollywood. There's David Arzouman, my favorite local artist; Harry Kasbarian, an advocate for Armenian causes (who also sells tires in Glendale); Lisa and Sevan Nahabedian, whose cleaners I go to in Larchmont. And there's my favorite Armenian priest, Father Mesrop Ash of St. John Armenian Apostolic Church in San Francisco, who just happens to be my nephew. All told, they are the makings of a small-town Main Street, from a people ordered annihilated.

Not long ago, I was driving east on Los Feliz Boulevard when I spotted a man standing in front of a SUV holding out jumper cables for passing motorists to see and get the desperate hint. I stopped and gave him a jump. After his car was running, and I disconnected the cables, he shook my hand and thanked me. I said, “I'm Armenian.” I just wanted to let him know we're still here.

http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-krikorian-armenian-genocide-anniversary-20150424-story.html

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The Death of "The Quiet Man", Another Killing in Palms Has The Neighborhood Rattled

Christopher John Paul not only didn't bother anyone, he  hardly ever spoke to anyone.  He rarely even looked at anyone, quietly going about his routine of walking to the 7-Eleven on Overland and Palms then returning to the apartment complex two blocks away where he lived alone. But, residents of this Palms neighborhood knew "the quiet man" and they are dumbfounded why someone would shoot the 33-year-old to death as he stood in a carport off an alley Wednesday afternoon.

"Who would want to kill the quiet man?" said Ismile Nuru, the manager of the 7-Eleven who clutched his heart when he spoke of Paul.  "I never knew his name, but he would come here two, three times a day. Get coffee, orange juice. He never talked and if there was a line, he would stand off to the side and wait for the line to go away.  it's terrible they would kill him."

Police were also baffled by the killing of Paul who was shot at approximately 2:30 p.m.,in the alley just north of  Woodbine Street, two blocks away from Woodbine Park where there was another killing last week.. 

"This guy was a true victim," said Det. Thomas Small of LAPD's West Bureau Homicide. "He didn't do anything to remotely provoke this."

A blue truck was observed leaving the area immediately after the shooting.

Paul's family in Michigan were "completely devastated" by the news of his shooting death. Paul had come to California about seven years ago seeking employment. In his apartment unit on the 3300 block of Mentone Avenue a job application indicated he was available for work Monday to Saturday.

"That's because he didn't want to work on Sundays he went to church," said Small. "The people he wetn to church with said he was a very nice and very quiet man."

The shooting death of Paul was particularly worrisome for Palms residents because last week a series of gang-related shootings left Justin Aquilar, 27, dead and four others wounded. James Pickens, 35, was arrested last Friday in connection with the shootings.

Since 2010 - not counting the two in the last week - there have been three homicides in Palms, according to the L.A. Times Homicide Report. 

"I've been around here since 1968 and it's never been like this around here," said Matthew Domeno, owner of the 7-Eleven franchise on Overland. "This place right here is like a small town corner store."

Not anymore.. 

Anyone with information about either killing is urged to contact West Bureau Homicide detectives Carranza or Small at (210 382-9470

chris paul

  

  

 

 

 

 

 

"I Just Want To Say...", Nancy Silverton Begins Palestinian Israeli Peace Negotiations in Jerusalem

Tired of the bullshit, American chef Nancy Silverton has decided the key to unlocking the door to lasting peace between Israel and Palestine is for her to just go there and start cooking and eating and drinking. So she did. 

"I think food and wine are the missing negotiation ingredients in the seemingly endless conflicts between two people who both love the same things," said Silverton, the only chef to win the James Beard Award for best chef and best pastry chef in America. "Look, you can argue forever who made the first hummus, but why? The key is to eat the best hummus together, have some good kebab,  some great red wine, and then quote Rodney King."

yasser and nancy

"I just want to say, you know, can we, can we all get along" Can we get along?" - Rodney Glen KIng III, May 1, 1992

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sONfxPCTU0

 

Dario Cecchini and Mario Batali To Open Meat Palace Restaurant on Island in Middle of Atlantic Ocean

New York City's most famous chef, Mario Batali, and Italy's most famous butcher, Dario Cecchini, are joining forces to open a meat-themed restaurant in an unlikely location; an island almost smack daube in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

After considering both Manhattan and Tuscany as sites, the two foodie superstars have finally agreed to meet roughly halfway from each other's home turf and that turns out to be Flores Island, the westernmost island of the Azores Archipelago 

Tentatively entitled il Gran Palazzo di Carne, the joint venture came about after Batali and Cecchini had lunch last year at Katz's Famous Delicatessen in New York and began toying with the idea of uniting to form what one food professional called "A Temple to the Cow". 

"This could be the greatest thing to happened to beef since Moses put two cows on that ark of his," said Sir Charles Dillingsworth, the United Kingdom's foremost food critic, but also a man woefully inept when it comes to ark ownership. 

Neither Batali nor Cecchini would comment on the project.

However, Cecchini's wife, the American-born Kimberly Wicks, was caught off guard when asked about the apparently tight-lipped collaboration. "I can't believe you found out about it!", she said in an E-mail reply from Tuscany.

A leading travel agent in the Mid East said when she heard of the partnership of Cecchini and Batali "it was one of those It's about time" moments. 

"Mario and Dario together makes total sense," said Julianne Nebuchadnezzar  from "Let's Get Away Now and I Mean Right Now!!" a popular travel agency based in Fallujah, Iraq. "If one is traveling from America to Europe, or from the Middle East to America, a stopover in Flores Island not only breaks up the flight, it provides a special destination dining adventure that will rank high on anybody's fucket list."  

Flores Island, with a population of about 3,900 - mostly-Portuguese -inhabitants,  gets it name from the profusion of wild flowers, ( especially hydrangeas)  that grow, ugh, um, wild on the island. The main municipality is Santa Cruz, where il Gran Palazzo di Carne will be located. 

Mario Batali, holding the flag of flores island, and dario cecchini, wearing the traditional red pants of flores island

Mario Batali, holding the flag of flores island, and dario cecchini, wearing the traditional red pants of flores island



"Southside" Compared to Raymond Chandler in Los Angeles Review of Books

LOS ANGELES REVIEW OF BOOKS , January, 2015. 

Tyler Dilts  on Southside by Michael Krikorian

Chandler’s Shadow

“WE’RE GOING TO TALK about Raymond Chandler for the next four hours,” the tour guide says. I’m on a bus with about 30 people on “Raymond Chandler’s Los Angeles: In A Lonely Place, An Esotouric Bus Adventure.” The driver has just pulled to the curb on Olive Street in front of the Los Angeles Athletic Club and across the street from Giannini Place, where Chandler worked as VP of the Dabney Oil Syndicate until booze, flakiness, and dalliances with female employees led to his dismissal and then to his writing career.

We get off the bus and cross the street to visit the Art Deco entrance to the Oviatt Building. The tour guide recites the history of the building and reads a passage from Chandler’s The Lady in the Lake that describes where we’re standing: “The sidewalk in front of the building had been built of black and white rubber blocks.” The rubber was removed to be recycled for the war effort, but other things have remained the same; he continues: “They were taking them up now to give to the government, and a hatless pale man with a face like a building superintendent was watching the work and looking as if it was breaking his heart.” Much of the architectural detail survived the decades — sconces and stained glass and Art Deco detailing — and much of today’s Los Angeles was Chandler’s setting 70 years ago. Anyone writing crime fiction set in Southern California today is writing in Chandler’s milieu.

Raymond Chandler, the author of The Big Sleep and The Long Goodbye, is widely regarded as a titan of the subgenre of crime fiction. Among writers and scholars, though, his essay “The Simple Art of Murder,” first published in The Atlantic in 1944, is nearly as well known as his fiction. In this takedown of the English tradition of mystery stories, he lambasts the Golden Age of detective fiction (“Sherlock Holmes after all is mostly an attitude and a few unforgettable lines of dialogue”) and, after offering a detailed critique of a number of those stories, offers this summation: “There is a very simple statement to be made about all of these stories: they do not come off intellectually as problems, and they do not come off artistically as fiction.”

Later in the essay, Chandler cites Dashiell Hammett as representative of a different style of detective fiction, one that deals in realistic situations and uses realistic violence to achieve its ends. Due to this realism, Chandler argues, this fiction has the potential to engage in a kind of literary art that is otherwise absent in the genre. Of those who challenged Hammett’s work as mysteries, he says, “These are the flustered old ladies ... [who] do not care to be reminded that murder is an act of infinite cruelty.”

In the first few paragraphs of his essay, Chandler describes the ideal detective. In a well-known passage of the work, he writes: “Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid.” This distils the essence of Philip Marlowe, the intrepid knight-errant protagonist of Chandler’s seven novels and most of his short stories. He wasn’t the first detective of his kind — but he was perhaps the finest — and has become archetype of hard-boiled protagonists in the decades since his creation.

What sets Chandler and others of the hard-boiled school apart from the broader genre of mystery fiction is the idea that violence has consequences from which one can never fully recover. Even if the murder is solved and the killer brought to justice, order can never be completely restored, because it never truly existed in the first place. With his fiction and (even more prescriptively) with “The Simple Art of Murder,” Chandler established a paradigm for literary crime fiction that would dominate the genre for well over half a century.

Due to the many reproductions of his novels, that paradigm has necessarily included Chandler’s literary style, as well as his vivid depictions of Southern California, and both aspects have become conventions of the hard-boiled style. Two recent novels — Matt Coyle’s Yesterday’s Echo and Michael Krikorian’s Southside — highlight these sometimes disparate aspects of the genre.

Michael Krikorian’s Southside grapples with this issue in a manner from which most Southern California crime fiction shies away. Krikorian is a former gang reporter for the Los Angeles Times, and his considerable authority on the subject is clear. The novel’s protagonist, Michael Lyons, covers gangs for the city’s major newspaper, and when he’s shot outside his favorite bar after a midday double, a complex plot of revenge and retribution begins to unfold.

Krikorian nails the newspaper culture with both humor and venom. Almost as soon as the shooting occurs, Lyons’s colleagues form a “Who shot Mike?” betting pool. The speculation grows even more intense when a tape recording of a conversation between Lyons and a gang shot caller named King Funeral, in which he suggests being shot might give him more street cred, is made public. As the story develops, we see both the newspaper business and the criminal investigation in vividly realistic detail.

We know early on, though, that Lyons was not responsible for his own attack. No. The shooter was Eddie Sims. There’s no mystery in this — Krikorian reveals the attacker’s identity early on. We know not only who did it, but we also see more of what Sims has in store. Years earlier, his son, who had avoided the gangs so many of his peers were involved with, was killed in an incident involving the leader of a local crew, Big Evil. After Sims sees a documentary that shows Big Evil flourishing as a trustee in a super-max prison, he decides to take revenge on those who failed to seek the death penalty in Big Evil’s trial. Death Row, Sims believes, even without the ultimate punishment, would still be a fitting fate for Big Evil. Lyons is Sims’s first target because the reporter wrote a profile of the gang leader that humanized him and granted him even more notoriety than he already possessed.

Krikorian does much the same thing for his characters here as Lyons does for those he profiles. He gives voice to the realities of their lives in South Central Los Angeles in a way Chandler never could. Eddie Sims, in all his grief and loss and capacity for senseless violence, is the most compelling of the central characters. When Sims is on the run and holed up in a cheap motel, Krikorian writes that “he stayed in his room and watched the news. There was nothing of interest. He finally fell asleep around three in the neon morning, his reloaded S&W revolver in the nightstand drawer atop the Gideon Bible.” Even as we’re horrified we feel empathy; Sims is recognizably and understandably human. He’s a character who, in Chandler’s world, would be invisible, but whom Krikorian makes visible.

Southside is written in a combined first- and third-person perspective, but the portions written in the third person achieve an authenticity and authority that is absent in Lyons’s first-person point of view. Reading, I had the impression that Krikorian was trying too hard to fit Lyons into the mold of the hard-boiled hero Chandler described in “The Simple Art of Murder,” and wondered if Lyons, as he goes down the meanest streets Los Angeles has to offer, might in fact be mean himself. By the end, tarnished though he is, Lyons is shown not to be mean, but for a novel that examines the underside of Southern California (untouched since before Chandler began writing), that is only a minor consideration. While Lyons’s redemptive actions in the novel’s final act might not ring entirely true, ultimately, Krikorian’s authority on the subject overcomes the limitations of his protagonist’s characterization, and Southside becomes an examination of a Los Angeles too seldom seen in serious crime fiction.

Krikorian's Southside and Coyle's Yesterday’s Echo can be read as two distinct aspects of Chandler’s legacy. In terms of style, voice, and tone, Matt Coyle ably follows in the master’s stylistic footsteps and evokes the literary quality with which Chandler imbued the Southern Californian tradition of detective literature.  

Krikorian, on the other hand, builds an authentic Southern California landscape that allows the vast blind spots in Chandler’s vision to be at least partially filled in. Perhaps, it’s fitting that Krikorian’s rendering of this landscape is more problematic and less cohesive than Coyle’s. Chandler’s creation of the mythic Philip Marlowe was so successful it turned the author himself into a figure almost as mythic. These two novels find the value not only of furthering the myth, but also of tearing it down.

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The bus tour ends a block away from where it began, in the rapidly gentrifying Los Angeles Arts District. The tour guide regales us with the last sad anecdotes of Chandler’s later years and his suicide attempt; I’m struck by how thoroughly and effectively the tour has deconstructed Chandler the writer and replaced him with Chandler the man. Gone is the myth, and present is the humanity, faults and failings in full relief.

Chandler argues midway through “The Simple Art of Murder” that all fiction, from the most populist to the most literary, is about escapism. It’s not hard to imagine the writer’s greatest creation, Philip Marlowe himself, as an idealized, wish-fulfilling fantasy. Marlowe may have been neither tarnished nor afraid, but it’s become impossible for me to think of Chandler as anything but the embodiment of those two qualities, and surprisingly, I like him even more for it

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Ed Boyer, my former editor at the Los Angeles Times, deep into "Southside" at a local pizzeria.

Southside
By Michael Krikorian




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Wanted Chef Dominique Crenn - Superhero to Many, Anarchist to Others - Returns To Los Angeles, Arrest Imminent

Nearly one year after she fled town following a very public assault, renowned chef Dominique Crenn is returning to Los Angeles where a warrant for her arrest remains active.

Crenn, who assaulted a rare and endangered Japanese Suzuki fish while it was in the possession of chef Josiah Citrin, is expected to be arrested as soon as she enters city limits which could be as early as Thursday, authorities said. ( http://krikorianwrites.com/blog/2014/3/23/chef-dominique-crenn-wanted-by-police-flees-to-france )

"We will have officers waiting at LAX, Union Station and various highway entrances to the city limits," said former LAPD homicide detective Sal LaBarbera, now in charge of the City of Los Angeles'  Fugitive Warrant Division (FWD). "I'm stunned she is coming back knowing full well she will be arrested. However, I understand she is not adverse to being handcuffed."

Crenn, the only woman chef in America with two Michelin stars - earned at her San Francisco restaurant Atelier Crenn -   will be risking the arrest to participate in the second annual All-Star Chef Classic event at the L.A. Live , the scene of the crime last year. 

"I have come to save the world from the mundane, from the cliche, from the boring," Crenn said in a phone interview at an undisclosed site. (A global positioning unit later pin-pointed the site as the southwest corner of Highland and Melrose.) 

Sources in the LAPD said it was very possible Crenn would be allowed to compete in tonight's All Star Chef Classic once she posts bail after her arrest.  Bail is expected to be set at $500,000. Pressure by the Japanese government is being cited as the chief reason the high bail, normally set at $100,00 for this crime.

Chef Jonathan Waxman believes the Los Angeles District Attorney's Office would face an uphill battle if they decide to press charges and take Crenn to trial for assault. 

"The main witness was consumed [and] therefore unable to testify, hence her ability to circumnavigate the charges," said Waxman, who will be at the L.A. Live event Saturday. .

Chef Citrin, whose restaurant Melisse in Santa Monica also has two Michelin stars, said he was going to avoid Crenn at the event.

"I'm going to keep my mise en place as far from her as possible," said Citrin "I'm avoiding danger this year."

In the brief phone interview, Crenn said that her actions,  her passions and even her recipes will all be unveiled in her first book, "Dominique Crenn: Metamorphosis of Taste" which is available for pre-order at http://www.amazon.com/Atelier-Crenn-Metamorphosis-Taste-Dominique/dp/0544444671  

Nancy Silverton, seen below in a photo taken at the Mozza Kingdom with a woman who resembles Crenn, could not be reached for comment.

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White People Account For Disproportionate Amount of Crimes at Laundromats in Los Angeles County

Los Angeles - Although they account for only 17% of laundromat users here, white people were responsible for  a staggering 73% of all crimes committed at or near the washing and drying machine establishments of Los Angeles County last year, according to a federal study released Wednesday.

The Spokane-based Bookings Institute study, which analyzed crimes committed at or within a 50-foot radius of all Laundromats in L.A. County from January 1, 2014, to December 31,  2014, found that of the 2,417 crimes committed in the target area,  1,766 were allegedly committed by white people*.  These crimes ranged from a double homicide in Monterey Park. to the theft of a single doily in Toluca Lake.

"I think white criminals have discovered that laundromats are basically un-chartered, un-claimed outlaw territory," said William Dithers, who spearheaded the study dubbed "Operation Spin Cycle".  "Liquor stores, mom and pop groceries, gas stations and street robberies are pretty much wrapped up by other criminal elements. So, for the white thug, laundromats are the way to go. Not that in any way am I encouraging these deplorable acts on hard working, neat citizens."

The study, the first of its kind,  also showed that Chinese,  while traditionally associated with laundries, fared poorly, accounting for only 2.7% of total crime even though they made up 12% of the laundromat attendees. 

Mexicans  - both local and those from Mexico -, who comprise more than 71% of laundromat users, were suspected in only 5.8% of the crimes committed there. Authorities cited several reasons for this.

"Although they are best known for other things - most notably, making  tacos and napping -  Mexicans are not only one of the most laundry-friendly people in the Western Hemisphere, they are among laundry's most law-abiding citizens," Dithers said.. "The other thing about Mexicans is they are not particularly  good multi-taskers. So, for them to do laundry and commit crimes, is, well it's simply not in their wheelhouse." 

Black criminals were even less likely to commit crimes in a laundromat,  accounting for only 1.3% of crimes. among the lowest of any group on Earth. 

"The thing about black criminals is that they rarely go to laundromats for a couple of reason," said Matt Baylick. an associate professor criminal behavioral science at Stanford University.  "Black gang members don't like change and change is the primary loot at Laundromat crime.  For, say, a Swan or a Rollin' 60 or a Hoover to pull out a wad of bills, even if they are only ones. is fine.  But, to have a pocket full of change, even quarters, well, that is just not bool." 

*In this study  the term "white people" did not include Georgians, Armenians or Chechens or Mountain Jews.


Jeremiah Henderson Suspended After Only One Week As Beverage Director of Heaven's Best Restaurant

After yelling 'This beer and wine list sucks!" in the main dining room of "The First Supper", the greatest restaurant in all of heaven and the entire solar system, beverage director Jeremiah James Henderson, 32, was suspended for five working days by his boss, God, 4,569,269,007.

Henderson, who landed the prestigious job just a week ago after a relatively brief stint on the much-maligned, though extremely promising planet Earth, said the restaurant's chef, Georges Auguste Escoffier, was "too damn slow" in implementing his new beverage and food pairing suggestions. Henderson let this be known in the middle of Friday night service at the 667 star Michelin restaurant on the Southside of Heaven that serves only 250,000 fortunate diners a night.

"Look, kid, these old farts are still using a wine, booze and beer list curated  by Dionysus and Bacchus,' said Henderson with his infectious. but mischievously boyish  smile. "Dionysus was good.  Bacchus, too.. In their time, kiddo. In their time. Things have changed. Hell, they are still have Olde Babylon 800 in cans, for god's sake. They're still pouring  the Battle of Arbela Syrah, Alexander the Great Vineyard, 331 b.c. by the glass. Even Alexander himself thought that shit was way too tannic. Duder, in five or six centuries no one will be drinking red wine, anyway. Plus, God has his kid running the place and he's never there "

That "kid", General Manager Jesus Christ, 2014, who critics also say is rarely at his restaurant, preferring to travel and promote his own brands and self-help books, was reached in East Saturn where he is opening a branch of the popular "La Buffet 'd Jesus Christ." chain. 

"Jeremiah? I love that guy," said Christ, a carpenter by trade. "A week in and i love him.  He's got the fire. But, maybe a week off might chill him down a bit.  Look, I wouldn't have hired him if he didn't have the passion.  And do you have any idea how many "somms" come to heaven and tell me or John the Baptist they know all about wine, booze, beer and shit? But, Jeremiah, he did know. But, he also knew not to take it too seriously.." 

However, Christ said it wasn't the vast food and beverage knowledge that convinced him to hire Henderson, but rather a particular correspondence with an Earthling.

"In key positions here, before I take on anyone, I like to talk to the family and friends of the potential hire from their previous world," said Christ who grew up in a small town on Earth without a "normal" father. "So i talked to Jeremiah's father, cat named River Rock Mike,  He told me something that I thought was so moving, so soulful.  He told me that his son 'Jeremy wasn't bigger than life. He made the lives of others bigger.' 

"I heard that and I told our host, St. Peter 'That JJ guy ever come up in here and I'm on tour, hire him on the spot. You feel me, Pete?'  That's why we hired him. Because of what his father said. Not because he could blind identify a 149,000,047 B.C. Screaming Pterodactyl."

But,  after three days on the job, Henderson began to clash with Escoffier and chef de cuisine Fernand Point over the future direction of The First Supper's food and beverage parings. Jeremiah was urging the kitchen to incorporate more Thai and Vietnamese dishes on the menu, food he knew matched well with wines and beers he loved. That didn't go over well. Monday night, Jeremiah took a 10 and had a martini with a bleu cheese-stuffed olive backed with a tumbler of garage-made California Apple cider he had brought with him from Earth. He then returned to the dining room and let it rip.

After being suspended during service, Henderson stormed out of the restaurant and went to a hill overlooking the entire world and sat on a lone chair arranged to appreciate the view. A reporter caught up with him. Henderson rose from the chair. He started getting nostalgic for his previous jobs, all of them on Earth, which looked so little, so fragile, yet so damn achingly beautiful  on this heavenly night. Henderson took off his L.A, Kings cap and wiped his brow with the back of his wrist. He sniffled a few times and his eyes grew as shiny as the stars when he wondered aloud what his family and his beloved crew were doing. He even lamented leaving so soon.  

"I wonder if they're missing me. You think they miss me, bud?"

The reporter assured them they did indeed. "Very much so. More than you know."

Henderson pointed to the now-vacant chair. "My crew used to make fun of me because I was always late. They'd send me pictures of an empty chair like that one and say I was there in spirit. Sweet, huh?"

Yeah.

"Earth gets a bad rap lotta the times, but when it's on, bud, when it's on, no place in the universe can beat it. One time, I had the crew dancing to James Brown on a hardwood floor in their stocking feet, sliding around and jumping on the bed like we was five-years-old. Pure, unfiltered, unrestrained  joy. Get on up!" I'll always remember that. Get on up!" 

The reporter asked if Henderson was concerned when he came back to work in a week that he would still have his job at The First Supper.

"I'm not worried at all," said Henderson as he gazed off at Mount Olympus. "But, either way, it's bool.  I hear Zeus is hiring. Yowza!"

Then Jeremiah Henderson looked even further away. Off at galaxies so distant they don't even have formal names. "Maybe I'll just go traveling. Rock a few casbahs.  Hey, kid, you know the best part about traveling?"

The reporter thought about that for awhile, then said 'No. What?'

"Gettin' lost."

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This story was reported by Mike Henderson, Taylor Grant, Kate Baratta, Alexis S. Kozac, Gary Alan (who is often mistakenly called Alan Gary),  Bethany Walls, Jared Hooper, Adam Vourvoulis, Verona Masongsong, Daniel Flores, Kim Trac, Rachel Kerswell, Matthew Kaner and  Kate Green. It was written by Morty Goldstein, Jr.

Twitter nom is  @makmak47