Chief Justice John Roberts Denounces Decision To Name Lance Ohnstad As Mozza Employee Of The Month

Moments after it was announced that Lance Ohnstad, aka “The Humble Host”, had been named the newest Mozza Employee of the Month, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States issued a statement condemning the ruling.

Chief Justice John Roberts said naming Ohnstad as the 45th Mozza EOM “sent the wrong message to not only other Mozza workers, but workers across America.” He refused to elaborate, but many believe his comments were bitter residue from the feud he is embroiled in with President Don Trump who vigorously campaigned for Ohnstad.

Here’s is the original statement from Trump regarding the EOM.


Now that the midterms are finally over with, it’s time to move onto issues that matter most to Americans. I’m talking your border security reinforcements due to the imminent Honduran Special Forces invasion, your lower taxes for multi-billionaires and, of course, the your new Mozza Employee of the Month.

This month we have chosen an employee who is, refreshingly,  not politically correct. An employee who yells to the beat of his own drummer. Who didn’t show up for the Mozza party. An employee who has endured the worst that humanity has to offer, that, of course, being the 6-top who arrive 40 minutes later for their 8 o’clock on Saturday night and demand to be seated. That employee, the newest employee of the month is Lance Ohnstad.

After leaving the U.S. Marine Corps, Lance began his career at Pizzeria on April, 21, 2008.  During that 10 year stretch, he has encountered more assholes than a proctologist. At the Front Desk he has endured  9,547 douches, 1,012 obnoxious Armenians from Iran, Bette Milder on a bad day, Bette Milder on a good day, 4.89 billion friends of Nancy and a white guy from the Westside whose excuse for being an hour late was “Do you know there’s a fire out there?”  

So congratulations to Lance, Sincerely Don Trump.

BREAKING NEWS – As The Mozza Times went to press it was learned that Nancy Silverton had ordered a recount of the ballots for this month’s employee of the mouth. A source said Silverton was overheard saying “I can’t believe what Lance has done now. He sat an incomplete.”   If Lance is disqualified the 2nd place finisher in the balloting, Eduardo’s son Oliver, would get the award.