The housekeeping staff of the current White House has a daily - and rather bizarre - ritual. They gather around the laundry quarters and - with room’s manager acting like a modern day Nathan Detroit hosting a floating crap game - make their daily bets. The wager? it’s, well, it’s about crap, but not shooting craps. They bet if or if not President Donald Trump’s underwear is stained with leaked fecal matter.
“Hardly anyone bets that Don’s shorts are clean,” said a laundry assistant who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We call him “The ‘Brown Stainer in Chief”, He’s a major feces leaker. No doubt.”
This Friday, so-called Black Friday, “Major Leaks”, the dredly anticipated new book from White House laundry manager Debbie White will be released and is certain to cause the White House much embarrassment. Already spokesman Sarah Huckabee Sanders has stated she will not “dignify this toilet trash with a response.”
Still, the book is already generating major buzz. It’s pre-order sales on Amazon have it as the 2nd most popular book, after Michele Obama’s “Becoming”.
And Major Leaks has its fans. Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, aka BSM, said he bought six copies and thinks “Trump should be allowed to shit on himself with impunity because he’s such a good guy.“ BSM, the Arabic initials that translates roughly into “little bitch who sucks male anus and is afraid of writers”, was recently acquitted by Trump of the murder of the brave journalist Jamal Khashoggi.
The book’s author, White, a self describe “proud Republican”, said she felt complied to write the book because she felt Trump was doing to America what he is doing to his shorts. “I was a philosophy major at Washington University in St. Louis and it seems to me he is using his underwear to play the role of the American public. So he shits on himself. Trump often says “America first”. I hope this book will help everyone understand what he really means by that.”
MIchael Singer, a former FBI agent who headed the famed Behavioral Science division. said his unit has pinpointed the public brown staining moments. “If you notice during his press conference when he kinda squints? We are pretty sure that’s the very moment when he shits on himself. Another tell is the disgusted look on the face of his wife.”