Are There Other Amtrak Conductors Who Are Gay? Congress To Launch Probe

I have never given a great deal of thought to whether a train conductor could possibly be gay. Or not, for that matter.

But, after learning that the conductor on the Ferrari-wannabe Amtrak train that crashed this week near Philadelphia appears to be a homosexual,  it certainly makes one wonder: Are there other gay train conductors?  Or is Brandon Bostian, who apparently supports gay marriage, the only one?

.Well, thanks to Indiana governor Mike Pence, we will soon find out. Reacting with the speed and leadership desperately needed in these trying times, Pence has initiated an emergency bill in Congress to determine the sexual orientation of all Amtrak train conductors operating in the United States. 

(The bill, which already passed the Senate last night during midnight session and is expected to pass today in the House. also marks the first time a governor has been allowed to introduce a bill in both houses of congress.)   

Pence addressed a pro decency gathering held this morning in Gary, Indiana.

"We need to know what the train, the train. what's is it? A driver? It's not a pilot, I know that.  Whatever it is, Oh, wait, It's a conductor. We need to know what the train conductor is thinking about when he goes into a tight, dark corner," said Pence as he stood in front of a Gary liquor store where two people were shot and killed two nights ago.

But, is a study about train conductors enough?  There are some jobs you just don't figure gays would be good at, or even want. But, could they be employed at these jobs secretly?

Take, for example, coal miners. 

One would think coal miners are all  hetros. But, when you really give it some thought, the gig of a coal miner would be a good place to be a homo. You're with a bunch of guys. Most of them in good relatively shape. It's dark. There's that hard hat everyone has that seems like it could be used for all sorts of gay activity. 

Will Pence, or maybe Ted Cruz or Jeb Bush introduce a bill to study the secret desires of coal miners?  Or Astronauts. Hey, is gay marriage even legal on Mars?. Or Saturn?  Or Neptune? Everyone knows what's up in Uranus.

Man, to quote Tony Montana, "What the fuck difference does it make?"

gay train.jpg




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Michael Singer's Back Operation To Remove Crankiness Hailed As "Medical Miracle"

When New York City doctors announced last summer they were going to attempt remove a 25-pound lump of pure crankiness from Michael Singer's back, fellow surgeons around the world were united in their skepticism, many calling it a blatant publicity stunt.

"This is absurd," said Dr. Erich Manstein, of Germany's prestigious Back Off Medical Centre in Dusseldorf. "Everyone knows Singer's crankiness is permanently embedded in his bones. What are those so-called surgeons in New Quack City going to do? Remove his skeleton?"

So, when Singer's wife, the lovely Ruth "The Polar Opposite of Cranky" Reichl,  announced to the world Friday morning that the operation performed at the Hospital for Special Surgery on East 70th Street in Manhattan had been a wonderful success, those very surgeons were scratching their noggins, calling it a "medical miracle"  and lining up their own patients to perform what has quickly become known as a "Singer Crank Out" operation.

Authorities first became aware of Singer's ACD, (aggressive crankiness disorder) when he was a student at University High School on Oakland Avenue in St .Louis during the Eisenhower Administration. Midway through a class on the Second Punic War, the history teacher, Mr. Barca,  caught young Singer dozing and tapped him with a ruler. Singer awoke and - according to University High School archives - bellowed the following "Why the hell shouldn't I fall asleep? You're teaching us stuff we already know.  Do you actually think all of us don't already know that Hannibal took some elephants over the Alps? Everyone on Earth knows that. Even drunk men in small Armenian villages know that Hannibal took some fuckin elephants over the goddamn Alps."

(The teacher alerted the authorities at that point and Singer was transferred to the Webb School) 

Still, Singer's ACD continued to grow. As a news producer at CBS, he became notorious for criticizing "feel good" stories. . He infamously refused to air the "Miracle on Ice" - the storied ice hockey game in the 1980 Olympics when team USA scored a stunning victory over the Russian team - instead dismissing it as the "Slip on this, motherfucker" game.  

In the early 1990s, Singer became the only human ever to officially complain about the ending to "The Wizard of Oz", the John Coltrane solo on "But Not For Me" and the very notion of the Easter Bunny, all  within a 48-hour period.. 

So it was understandable the dubious thoughts of surgeons around the globe had when the staff at the Hospital for Special Surgery announced they would remove the crankiness. 

After Reichl released the news that the surgery was a success, his friends were quick to react with jubilation. 

"Great news" emailed Robin Green. "Fantastic!" said Susan Kamil. "Fabulous" replied Dinitia Smith. 

Still, one of Singer's closest friends reacted with the same touch of skepticism that Dr. Manstein had before the surgery 

"I  think this is terrific, but do you know if they got all of the cranky out?," said Henry Weinstein.  "I kinda hope not. .i mean Michael Singer without  any crankiness, well, that wouldn't really be Michael Singer. I just hope they left a few pound of cranky in them old bones."

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At Long Last Love; Nancy's Fancy Goes On Sale Thursday At Gelson's

There are jackets, then there is the Marni runway coat. There's grape juice then, there is the  '47 Chateau Cheval Blanc. There are watches, then there is the Rolex Paul Newman Daytona. There are cars and there is the 1962 Ferrari GTO. These are the “zultra premium” options. 

Now, at long last, the world of frozen treats has a zultra premium option: “Nancy’ Fancy”, the gelato and sorbetto of Nancy Silverton and it will be available this Thursday, May 7th at Gelson's Markets throughout Los Angeles. Soon, markets throughout America will be offering Nancy's Fancy .

You may have noticed Nancy’s Fancy was defined simply as “the gelato and sorbetto of Nancy Silverton”.  Superlatives on Nancy could be used lavishly – and with truth.  But, like the '47 Cheval or the '62 GTO, time and coolness will soon prove that the mere mention of Nancy’s Fancy shall simply come to mean the best.

But, since Chef Silverton, co-founder of Pizzeria Mozza, Osteria Mozza and Chi Spacca, is not a “TV chef” and not a household name across America, let me boast about her. Check this out. Nancy Silverton is the only chef in the United States to win the James Beard Award for Outstanding Chef in American and the James Beard Award for Outstanding Pastry Chef in America. Like Muhammad Ali used to say, “It ain’t bragging if it’s true.”

When we asked 20 of the greatest chefs in America to give their comments on the prospects of having gelato and sorbetto made by Nancy readily available across America, every one of them replied with great anticipation, to put it calmly. Mario Batali responded in less than two minutes with a tantalizingly poetic preview for what gelato and sorbetto lovers across the land will soon be able to enjoy. World famous master chef Daniel Boulud poured on the praise. San Francisco’s Dominique Crenn, the only female chef in America with two Michelin stars, responded with a text so titillating only adults over the age of 35 should be allowed to read it.  Chris Bianco, the master pizzaiola from Pizzeria Bianco in Phoenix, echoed Roy Scheider in the movie “Jaws” and announced “I’m gonna need a bigger spoon.”

Silverton and Dahlia Narvaez, herself  a James Beard Award winner in 2016 for best pastry chef in America, worked for months sourcing, mixing, freezing, tasting, tuning, tasting, refining and tasting ensued.  The glorious result is Nancy’s Fancy.

Scoop into the FLAVORS page of Nancy's Fancy site to see what frozen treats will be waiting for you in stores soon

1962 Frank Sinatra "At Long Last Love"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4GfV0pf_zQ

"At Long Last Love"
Is it an earthquake or simply a shock?
Is it the good turtle soup or merely the mock?
Is it a cocktail, this feeling of joy?
Or is what I feel the real McCoy?

Is it for all time or simply a lark?
Is it Granada I see or only Asbury Park?
Is it a fancy not worth thinking of?
Or is it at long last love?
 

 

The Glorious Return of My Favorite Lunch, Osteria Mozza Reopens and Staff Meal is On

After nine days of actually buying or preparing my own lunch, the thighs have returned to Hancock Park. 

At 12 40 p.m. Saturday, April 18, the driver of a 2011 Toyota Tundra  pickup, traveling southbound on Highland Avenue at - according to the LAPD - an unsafe speed,  swerved to avoid a 2013 Honda Civic whose driver was beginning to make - again, according to the LAPD - an unsafe left hand turn from northbound Highland onto westbound Melrose Avenue.  The truck, weighing in at about 5,000 pounds, crashed into the front doors of Osteria Mozza during staff lunch.

Alex Rivera Vasquez, 36, a Mozza prep cook. was hit by debris - a falling pillar -  knock to the floor where he laid - comforted by co-workers - until paramedics took him  to Cedars Sinai where he was checked out and released. He is fine.

But, the front of the restaurant was in shambles. Twenty, thirty minutes after the crash, a city inspector appeared out of nowhere and said the restaurant would be closed a month. In stepped Tom Penna of ITX Construction, project superintendent Wayne Neuenhaus and their crew.  Ten days later, today, Osteria Mozza reopened for dinner.

"I'm, opening up Osteria Mozza," said legendary server Ralph Waxman, as he and others waited for the first customers to arrive. "For the second time." 

Today, April 28, also marked the return of my favorite lunch in town. the staff meal, which, is often - some fools say too often - roasted chicken thighs. I had grabbed the thighs on crash day and stepped outside when the boom! happened.  This is a meal I am privileged to eat often, but today I savored it with a little extra appreciation and thankfulness because this crash could have been so much worse.

trucks are not welcome at osteria Mozza or any of the mozzas. .  note  the orange clogs off to the left.  when he was texted the above photo,  mario batali quickly texted back "anyone hurt?"

trucks are not welcome at osteria Mozza or any of the mozzas. .  note  the orange clogs off to the left.  when he was texted the above photo,  mario batali quickly texted back "anyone hurt?"

photo (46).JPG

 

 

 

"I Just Want To Say...", Nancy Silverton Begins Palestinian Israeli Peace Negotiations in Jerusalem

Tired of the bullshit, American chef Nancy Silverton has decided the key to unlocking the door to lasting peace between Israel and Palestine is for her to just go there and start cooking and eating and drinking. So she did. 

"I think food and wine are the missing negotiation ingredients in the seemingly endless conflicts between two people who both love the same things," said Silverton, the only chef to win the James Beard Award for best chef and best pastry chef in America. "Look, you can argue forever who made the first hummus, but why? The key is to eat the best hummus together, have some good kebab,  some great red wine, and then quote Rodney King."

yasser and nancy

"I just want to say, you know, can we, can we all get along" Can we get along?" - Rodney Glen KIng III, May 1, 1992

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sONfxPCTU0

 

"Southside" Compared to Raymond Chandler in Los Angeles Review of Books

LOS ANGELES REVIEW OF BOOKS , January, 2015. 

Tyler Dilts  on Southside by Michael Krikorian

Chandler’s Shadow

“WE’RE GOING TO TALK about Raymond Chandler for the next four hours,” the tour guide says. I’m on a bus with about 30 people on “Raymond Chandler’s Los Angeles: In A Lonely Place, An Esotouric Bus Adventure.” The driver has just pulled to the curb on Olive Street in front of the Los Angeles Athletic Club and across the street from Giannini Place, where Chandler worked as VP of the Dabney Oil Syndicate until booze, flakiness, and dalliances with female employees led to his dismissal and then to his writing career.

We get off the bus and cross the street to visit the Art Deco entrance to the Oviatt Building. The tour guide recites the history of the building and reads a passage from Chandler’s The Lady in the Lake that describes where we’re standing: “The sidewalk in front of the building had been built of black and white rubber blocks.” The rubber was removed to be recycled for the war effort, but other things have remained the same; he continues: “They were taking them up now to give to the government, and a hatless pale man with a face like a building superintendent was watching the work and looking as if it was breaking his heart.” Much of the architectural detail survived the decades — sconces and stained glass and Art Deco detailing — and much of today’s Los Angeles was Chandler’s setting 70 years ago. Anyone writing crime fiction set in Southern California today is writing in Chandler’s milieu.

Raymond Chandler, the author of The Big Sleep and The Long Goodbye, is widely regarded as a titan of the subgenre of crime fiction. Among writers and scholars, though, his essay “The Simple Art of Murder,” first published in The Atlantic in 1944, is nearly as well known as his fiction. In this takedown of the English tradition of mystery stories, he lambasts the Golden Age of detective fiction (“Sherlock Holmes after all is mostly an attitude and a few unforgettable lines of dialogue”) and, after offering a detailed critique of a number of those stories, offers this summation: “There is a very simple statement to be made about all of these stories: they do not come off intellectually as problems, and they do not come off artistically as fiction.”

Later in the essay, Chandler cites Dashiell Hammett as representative of a different style of detective fiction, one that deals in realistic situations and uses realistic violence to achieve its ends. Due to this realism, Chandler argues, this fiction has the potential to engage in a kind of literary art that is otherwise absent in the genre. Of those who challenged Hammett’s work as mysteries, he says, “These are the flustered old ladies ... [who] do not care to be reminded that murder is an act of infinite cruelty.”

In the first few paragraphs of his essay, Chandler describes the ideal detective. In a well-known passage of the work, he writes: “Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid.” This distils the essence of Philip Marlowe, the intrepid knight-errant protagonist of Chandler’s seven novels and most of his short stories. He wasn’t the first detective of his kind — but he was perhaps the finest — and has become archetype of hard-boiled protagonists in the decades since his creation.

What sets Chandler and others of the hard-boiled school apart from the broader genre of mystery fiction is the idea that violence has consequences from which one can never fully recover. Even if the murder is solved and the killer brought to justice, order can never be completely restored, because it never truly existed in the first place. With his fiction and (even more prescriptively) with “The Simple Art of Murder,” Chandler established a paradigm for literary crime fiction that would dominate the genre for well over half a century.

Due to the many reproductions of his novels, that paradigm has necessarily included Chandler’s literary style, as well as his vivid depictions of Southern California, and both aspects have become conventions of the hard-boiled style. Two recent novels — Matt Coyle’s Yesterday’s Echo and Michael Krikorian’s Southside — highlight these sometimes disparate aspects of the genre.

Michael Krikorian’s Southside grapples with this issue in a manner from which most Southern California crime fiction shies away. Krikorian is a former gang reporter for the Los Angeles Times, and his considerable authority on the subject is clear. The novel’s protagonist, Michael Lyons, covers gangs for the city’s major newspaper, and when he’s shot outside his favorite bar after a midday double, a complex plot of revenge and retribution begins to unfold.

Krikorian nails the newspaper culture with both humor and venom. Almost as soon as the shooting occurs, Lyons’s colleagues form a “Who shot Mike?” betting pool. The speculation grows even more intense when a tape recording of a conversation between Lyons and a gang shot caller named King Funeral, in which he suggests being shot might give him more street cred, is made public. As the story develops, we see both the newspaper business and the criminal investigation in vividly realistic detail.

We know early on, though, that Lyons was not responsible for his own attack. No. The shooter was Eddie Sims. There’s no mystery in this — Krikorian reveals the attacker’s identity early on. We know not only who did it, but we also see more of what Sims has in store. Years earlier, his son, who had avoided the gangs so many of his peers were involved with, was killed in an incident involving the leader of a local crew, Big Evil. After Sims sees a documentary that shows Big Evil flourishing as a trustee in a super-max prison, he decides to take revenge on those who failed to seek the death penalty in Big Evil’s trial. Death Row, Sims believes, even without the ultimate punishment, would still be a fitting fate for Big Evil. Lyons is Sims’s first target because the reporter wrote a profile of the gang leader that humanized him and granted him even more notoriety than he already possessed.

Krikorian does much the same thing for his characters here as Lyons does for those he profiles. He gives voice to the realities of their lives in South Central Los Angeles in a way Chandler never could. Eddie Sims, in all his grief and loss and capacity for senseless violence, is the most compelling of the central characters. When Sims is on the run and holed up in a cheap motel, Krikorian writes that “he stayed in his room and watched the news. There was nothing of interest. He finally fell asleep around three in the neon morning, his reloaded S&W revolver in the nightstand drawer atop the Gideon Bible.” Even as we’re horrified we feel empathy; Sims is recognizably and understandably human. He’s a character who, in Chandler’s world, would be invisible, but whom Krikorian makes visible.

Southside is written in a combined first- and third-person perspective, but the portions written in the third person achieve an authenticity and authority that is absent in Lyons’s first-person point of view. Reading, I had the impression that Krikorian was trying too hard to fit Lyons into the mold of the hard-boiled hero Chandler described in “The Simple Art of Murder,” and wondered if Lyons, as he goes down the meanest streets Los Angeles has to offer, might in fact be mean himself. By the end, tarnished though he is, Lyons is shown not to be mean, but for a novel that examines the underside of Southern California (untouched since before Chandler began writing), that is only a minor consideration. While Lyons’s redemptive actions in the novel’s final act might not ring entirely true, ultimately, Krikorian’s authority on the subject overcomes the limitations of his protagonist’s characterization, and Southside becomes an examination of a Los Angeles too seldom seen in serious crime fiction.

Krikorian's Southside and Coyle's Yesterday’s Echo can be read as two distinct aspects of Chandler’s legacy. In terms of style, voice, and tone, Matt Coyle ably follows in the master’s stylistic footsteps and evokes the literary quality with which Chandler imbued the Southern Californian tradition of detective literature.  

Krikorian, on the other hand, builds an authentic Southern California landscape that allows the vast blind spots in Chandler’s vision to be at least partially filled in. Perhaps, it’s fitting that Krikorian’s rendering of this landscape is more problematic and less cohesive than Coyle’s. Chandler’s creation of the mythic Philip Marlowe was so successful it turned the author himself into a figure almost as mythic. These two novels find the value not only of furthering the myth, but also of tearing it down.

                                                                                                    ¤

The bus tour ends a block away from where it began, in the rapidly gentrifying Los Angeles Arts District. The tour guide regales us with the last sad anecdotes of Chandler’s later years and his suicide attempt; I’m struck by how thoroughly and effectively the tour has deconstructed Chandler the writer and replaced him with Chandler the man. Gone is the myth, and present is the humanity, faults and failings in full relief.

Chandler argues midway through “The Simple Art of Murder” that all fiction, from the most populist to the most literary, is about escapism. It’s not hard to imagine the writer’s greatest creation, Philip Marlowe himself, as an idealized, wish-fulfilling fantasy. Marlowe may have been neither tarnished nor afraid, but it’s become impossible for me to think of Chandler as anything but the embodiment of those two qualities, and surprisingly, I like him even more for it

photo (37).JPG

Ed Boyer, my former editor at the Los Angeles Times, deep into "Southside" at a local pizzeria.

Southside
By Michael Krikorian




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Wanted Chef Dominique Crenn - Superhero to Many, Anarchist to Others - Returns To Los Angeles, Arrest Imminent

Nearly one year after she fled town following a very public assault, renowned chef Dominique Crenn is returning to Los Angeles where a warrant for her arrest remains active.

Crenn, who assaulted a rare and endangered Japanese Suzuki fish while it was in the possession of chef Josiah Citrin, is expected to be arrested as soon as she enters city limits which could be as early as Thursday, authorities said. ( http://krikorianwrites.com/blog/2014/3/23/chef-dominique-crenn-wanted-by-police-flees-to-france )

"We will have officers waiting at LAX, Union Station and various highway entrances to the city limits," said former LAPD homicide detective Sal LaBarbera, now in charge of the City of Los Angeles'  Fugitive Warrant Division (FWD). "I'm stunned she is coming back knowing full well she will be arrested. However, I understand she is not adverse to being handcuffed."

Crenn, the only woman chef in America with two Michelin stars - earned at her San Francisco restaurant Atelier Crenn -   will be risking the arrest to participate in the second annual All-Star Chef Classic event at the L.A. Live , the scene of the crime last year. 

"I have come to save the world from the mundane, from the cliche, from the boring," Crenn said in a phone interview at an undisclosed site. (A global positioning unit later pin-pointed the site as the southwest corner of Highland and Melrose.) 

Sources in the LAPD said it was very possible Crenn would be allowed to compete in tonight's All Star Chef Classic once she posts bail after her arrest.  Bail is expected to be set at $500,000. Pressure by the Japanese government is being cited as the chief reason the high bail, normally set at $100,00 for this crime.

Chef Jonathan Waxman believes the Los Angeles District Attorney's Office would face an uphill battle if they decide to press charges and take Crenn to trial for assault. 

"The main witness was consumed [and] therefore unable to testify, hence her ability to circumnavigate the charges," said Waxman, who will be at the L.A. Live event Saturday. .

Chef Citrin, whose restaurant Melisse in Santa Monica also has two Michelin stars, said he was going to avoid Crenn at the event.

"I'm going to keep my mise en place as far from her as possible," said Citrin "I'm avoiding danger this year."

In the brief phone interview, Crenn said that her actions,  her passions and even her recipes will all be unveiled in her first book, "Dominique Crenn: Metamorphosis of Taste" which is available for pre-order at http://www.amazon.com/Atelier-Crenn-Metamorphosis-Taste-Dominique/dp/0544444671  

Nancy Silverton, seen below in a photo taken at the Mozza Kingdom with a woman who resembles Crenn, could not be reached for comment.

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White People Account For Disproportionate Amount of Crimes at Laundromats in Los Angeles County

Los Angeles - Although they account for only 17% of laundromat users here, white people were responsible for  a staggering 73% of all crimes committed at or near the washing and drying machine establishments of Los Angeles County last year, according to a federal study released Wednesday.

The Spokane-based Bookings Institute study, which analyzed crimes committed at or within a 50-foot radius of all Laundromats in L.A. County from January 1, 2014, to December 31,  2014, found that of the 2,417 crimes committed in the target area,  1,766 were allegedly committed by white people*.  These crimes ranged from a double homicide in Monterey Park. to the theft of a single doily in Toluca Lake.

"I think white criminals have discovered that laundromats are basically un-chartered, un-claimed outlaw territory," said William Dithers, who spearheaded the study dubbed "Operation Spin Cycle".  "Liquor stores, mom and pop groceries, gas stations and street robberies are pretty much wrapped up by other criminal elements. So, for the white thug, laundromats are the way to go. Not that in any way am I encouraging these deplorable acts on hard working, neat citizens."

The study, the first of its kind,  also showed that Chinese,  while traditionally associated with laundries, fared poorly, accounting for only 2.7% of total crime even though they made up 12% of the laundromat attendees. 

Mexicans  - both local and those from Mexico -, who comprise more than 71% of laundromat users, were suspected in only 5.8% of the crimes committed there. Authorities cited several reasons for this.

"Although they are best known for other things - most notably, making  tacos and napping -  Mexicans are not only one of the most laundry-friendly people in the Western Hemisphere, they are among laundry's most law-abiding citizens," Dithers said.. "The other thing about Mexicans is they are not particularly  good multi-taskers. So, for them to do laundry and commit crimes, is, well it's simply not in their wheelhouse." 

Black criminals were even less likely to commit crimes in a laundromat,  accounting for only 1.3% of crimes. among the lowest of any group on Earth. 

"The thing about black criminals is that they rarely go to laundromats for a couple of reason," said Matt Baylick. an associate professor criminal behavioral science at Stanford University.  "Black gang members don't like change and change is the primary loot at Laundromat crime.  For, say, a Swan or a Rollin' 60 or a Hoover to pull out a wad of bills, even if they are only ones. is fine.  But, to have a pocket full of change, even quarters, well, that is just not bool." 

*In this study  the term "white people" did not include Georgians, Armenians or Chechens or Mountain Jews.


Jeremiah Henderson Suspended After Only One Week As Beverage Director of Heaven's Best Restaurant

After yelling 'This beer and wine list sucks!" in the main dining room of "The First Supper", the greatest restaurant in all of heaven and the entire solar system, beverage director Jeremiah James Henderson, 32, was suspended for five working days by his boss, God, 4,569,269,007.

Henderson, who landed the prestigious job just a week ago after a relatively brief stint on the much-maligned, though extremely promising planet Earth, said the restaurant's chef, Georges Auguste Escoffier, was "too damn slow" in implementing his new beverage and food pairing suggestions. Henderson let this be known in the middle of Friday night service at the 667 star Michelin restaurant on the Southside of Heaven that serves only 250,000 fortunate diners a night.

"Look, kid, these old farts are still using a wine, booze and beer list curated  by Dionysus and Bacchus,' said Henderson with his infectious. but mischievously boyish  smile. "Dionysus was good.  Bacchus, too.. In their time, kiddo. In their time. Things have changed. Hell, they are still have Olde Babylon 800 in cans, for god's sake. They're still pouring  the Battle of Arbela Syrah, Alexander the Great Vineyard, 331 b.c. by the glass. Even Alexander himself thought that shit was way too tannic. Duder, in five or six centuries no one will be drinking red wine, anyway. Plus, God has his kid running the place and he's never there "

That "kid", General Manager Jesus Christ, 2014, who critics also say is rarely at his restaurant, preferring to travel and promote his own brands and self-help books, was reached in East Saturn where he is opening a branch of the popular "La Buffet 'd Jesus Christ." chain. 

"Jeremiah? I love that guy," said Christ, a carpenter by trade. "A week in and i love him.  He's got the fire. But, maybe a week off might chill him down a bit.  Look, I wouldn't have hired him if he didn't have the passion.  And do you have any idea how many "somms" come to heaven and tell me or John the Baptist they know all about wine, booze, beer and shit? But, Jeremiah, he did know. But, he also knew not to take it too seriously.." 

However, Christ said it wasn't the vast food and beverage knowledge that convinced him to hire Henderson, but rather a particular correspondence with an Earthling.

"In key positions here, before I take on anyone, I like to talk to the family and friends of the potential hire from their previous world," said Christ who grew up in a small town on Earth without a "normal" father. "So i talked to Jeremiah's father, cat named River Rock Mike,  He told me something that I thought was so moving, so soulful.  He told me that his son 'Jeremy wasn't bigger than life. He made the lives of others bigger.' 

"I heard that and I told our host, St. Peter 'That JJ guy ever come up in here and I'm on tour, hire him on the spot. You feel me, Pete?'  That's why we hired him. Because of what his father said. Not because he could blind identify a 149,000,047 B.C. Screaming Pterodactyl."

But,  after three days on the job, Henderson began to clash with Escoffier and chef de cuisine Fernand Point over the future direction of The First Supper's food and beverage parings. Jeremiah was urging the kitchen to incorporate more Thai and Vietnamese dishes on the menu, food he knew matched well with wines and beers he loved. That didn't go over well. Monday night, Jeremiah took a 10 and had a martini with a bleu cheese-stuffed olive backed with a tumbler of garage-made California Apple cider he had brought with him from Earth. He then returned to the dining room and let it rip.

After being suspended during service, Henderson stormed out of the restaurant and went to a hill overlooking the entire world and sat on a lone chair arranged to appreciate the view. A reporter caught up with him. Henderson rose from the chair. He started getting nostalgic for his previous jobs, all of them on Earth, which looked so little, so fragile, yet so damn achingly beautiful  on this heavenly night. Henderson took off his L.A, Kings cap and wiped his brow with the back of his wrist. He sniffled a few times and his eyes grew as shiny as the stars when he wondered aloud what his family and his beloved crew were doing. He even lamented leaving so soon.  

"I wonder if they're missing me. You think they miss me, bud?"

The reporter assured them they did indeed. "Very much so. More than you know."

Henderson pointed to the now-vacant chair. "My crew used to make fun of me because I was always late. They'd send me pictures of an empty chair like that one and say I was there in spirit. Sweet, huh?"

Yeah.

"Earth gets a bad rap lotta the times, but when it's on, bud, when it's on, no place in the universe can beat it. One time, I had the crew dancing to James Brown on a hardwood floor in their stocking feet, sliding around and jumping on the bed like we was five-years-old. Pure, unfiltered, unrestrained  joy. Get on up!" I'll always remember that. Get on up!" 

The reporter asked if Henderson was concerned when he came back to work in a week that he would still have his job at The First Supper.

"I'm not worried at all," said Henderson as he gazed off at Mount Olympus. "But, either way, it's bool.  I hear Zeus is hiring. Yowza!"

Then Jeremiah Henderson looked even further away. Off at galaxies so distant they don't even have formal names. "Maybe I'll just go traveling. Rock a few casbahs.  Hey, kid, you know the best part about traveling?"

The reporter thought about that for awhile, then said 'No. What?'

"Gettin' lost."

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This story was reported by Mike Henderson, Taylor Grant, Kate Baratta, Alexis S. Kozac, Gary Alan (who is often mistakenly called Alan Gary),  Bethany Walls, Jared Hooper, Adam Vourvoulis, Verona Masongsong, Daniel Flores, Kim Trac, Rachel Kerswell, Matthew Kaner and  Kate Green. It was written by Morty Goldstein, Jr.

Twitter nom is  @makmak47