Apron Baroness Ellen Bennett Enters Rehab For Drinking Problem 24 Hours After Extravagant Wedding

It was a fairytale wedding. A handsome, adoring groom and a gorgeous bride in haute couture that garnered “ooh’ and “ahs” form the international guests that included chefs from a dozen Michelin-starred restaurants. A seven piece mariachi band and a five piece classical ensemble echoed off the walls of a 16th century building.

But, in real life, fairy tales don’t last forever. Less than 24 hours after Casey Whatchamacallit and Ellen Bennett tied the knot, the apron baroness was stumbling down a Mexico City sidewalk, spewing expletives, splashing her to-go margarita on unsuspecting al pastor taco vendors and pleading with her stunned husband for “just one more.”

The next morning, Bennett, whose Hedley and Bennett company is the largest gourmet apron manufacturer in the world, checked into “New Beginnings”, a celebrity rehabilitation complex in Malibu. made famous by the cable show “Californication.”

“She is not, I repeat, not an alcoholic. Ellen’s just a drunk.”, said Betty Ford, the director of several rehabs that bear her name. “Ellen should be functioning within a week or two.”

A Bennett insider, chef Jonathan Waxman, said Bennett rarely drinks and for her to go to rehab was “a bit dramatic”, but he understood the underlying reason why. “Ellen has a gigantic contractor with Saudi Arabia and those fuckin’ Saudis don’t like drunks. Or journalists. Is that redundant?”

Nancy Silverton, a Hedley and Bennett customer, said “Now that i think about it, I wonder if Hedley is a drunk, too. I’ve never ever seen her. Or him.”

Furious Trump Vows “We Will Get Nancy's Wallet Back", Sends Delta Force To Mexico City

Seizing an opportunity to regain momentum a day before the midterms, an irate President Donald Trump announced Monday morning he was sending three dozen Delta Force commandos to Mexico City to rescue the stolen wallet of revered Los Angeles chef Nancy Silverton.

“See? See? What have I been telling you people about these people?” Trump told a rambunctious group of supporters at a rally in Fort Wayne, Indiana. “These people have now gotten personal. Stealing the wallet of one of America’s most believed icons, Nancy Silverstein.”

Silverton, in town for the elaborate wedding of apron baroness Ellen Bennett to Casey Something, was at a crowded bakery/cafe in the Roma Norte neighborhood with boyfriend/journalist Michael Krikorian and cookbook writer Carolina Carreno when she realized her wallet was missing from her purse. In the chaotic ensuing moments, Krikorian, after briefly accusing Carreno of the theft, scoured the neighborhood in search of suspicious characters. After detaining and questioning more than 500 such individuals, he gave up his quest. A emergency court order to obtain security camera footage of the area near the bakery was granted early this morning by the Mexican Supreme Court

The Delta troops, officially knowns as the United States Army’s 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-D, have likely already landed in and around the Mexico City.

Many Democrats were skeptical, including congressman Adam Schiff (D-California), an outspoken Trump critic who accused the president of using one of “our heroes” as an excuse to send in Special Forces to Mexico.

“He could; give a hoot about Nancy’s wallet,” Schilff said Sunday night. “He’s using it as an excuse to send Delta to attack the caravan.”

Trump has ordered up to 15,000 regular army troops to the US-Mexican border as a caravan of a few thousand impoverished migrants - many from crime-ridden Honduras - slowly marches toward the boundary. They are currently marching toward Isla, in Mexico's state of Veracruz, with some reportedly headed toward Mexico City.

However, sources say, several thousand of the regular army troops are now being diverted to Mexico City, not to deal with the caravan, but to purse all leads on the Silverton pursenapping.

As for Silverton, she was forced to rely on financial support from Krikorian, not generally known as “high value source” of money.

She expressed frustration at the theft, which included not only her wallet -with all her cash, credit cards and driver’s license - but a Mont Blanc ink pen in its leather case and her beloved Church’s yellow leather shoe horn. On top of it all, the wallet contained a cherished memento; Nancy’s mother Doris’ unactivated Neiman Marcus credit card from the 1970s.

“I don’t care that much about the wallet, even though it’s a major headache.” Silverton said as she spoke to local media upon leaving Mexico City’s justly-famous National Museum of Anthropology. “But, they stole my best shoe horn. And my mom’s credit card. Those fuckers. And to have this happen in a bakery? A place sacred to me? That blows.”

In an unguarded moment, Silverton, a devoted liberal democrat, switched alliances and endorsed Trump and his proposed wall. “build that fuckin’ Wall. Not to keep Mexicans from coming to American, but to keep Americans from coming to Mexico.

But, an hour later, an incident occurred as heartwarming as the walletnapping was blood-boiling.

With both of their cell phones dead, Silverton and Krikorian, walking to a restaurant two miles from the museum, began asking strangers for directions. Well, Krikorian did. Most pedestrians either couldn’t understand Krikorian or thought he was begging. But, then he asked at a coffee shop.

The workers didn’t know what he was talking about, but a 40-something Mexican couple at a booth overheard his request.

“Where do you want to go?", the lady asked.

“Durango Calle, 200”

She turned to her husband and asked him if he knew where that was. He did.

The man, Alejandro Medina, begin telling the Americans where to head, but then he said “Come on, follow us. We will take you there.”

Nancy and Michael looked at each other like they had discovered the winning Mega Millions ticket.

Alejandro - Spanish for Alexander - and his wife walked them all the way to their destination. Any bad thoughts about Mexico City vanished like the banana puree at Maximo Bistro, the charred avocado tartare at Quintonil, the al pastor at Tacos El Huequito, and the mole at Pujol, four of Nancy’s favorite restaurants in this lovely city.

.

L.A. Gang Members Suspected Of Killing Boston's Whitey Bulger In Prison Were Hard Core Dodger Fans

Three Los Angeles gang members suspected in the brutal prison beating death of infamous Boston crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger were all hardcore Dodger fans and two correctional officers said the killing was “World Series payback”.

Arthur “Joker” Garabedian, 42, of Florencia 13, Luis “Silent” Ramirez of Geraghty Loma, and Salmon “Grill Boy” Johnson of 89 Family Swans - once regulars in the right field bleachers - are alleged to have been lied in wait for Bulger as he arrived at the Federal Penitentiary in West Virginia and then beat him to a bloody pulp with a Kirk Gibson autographed baseball bat smuggled in during a recent visit.

“Bulger was pounded worse than the Dodger relievers,” said a guard, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “In my 23 years as a correctional officers I have never seen such a vicious shellacking. He looks like he was beat for 18 innings.”

Bulger, 89, convicted in 2013 for, among other things, his role in 11 murders, was serving a life sentence. He served the sentence in full.

L.A. Drivers, Where Are Your Manners?

Published in Los Angeles Times Monday, Oct. 29, 2018

Not too long ago, I was rumbling along on the 405 in Orange County, doing about 80, 85. Off to my left, in the fast lane, were five bikers in single file, Hells Angels, based on their jackets, from the Chatsworth chapter. They all sped up to cut over to the right to get on the fast approaching Garden Grove Freeway. Four of them sliced in front of me, but the fifth guy didn’t have enough space, so he stayed in the fast lane.

I have a special place in my outlaw soul for the Angels ever since interviewing Sonny Barger 21 years ago in Hollister for the 50th anniversary of the ruckus that inspired “The Wild One” with Brando. So, I eased off the accelerator and nodded over to the guy in the fast lane to go ahead.

He gassed it to catch his comrades and, as he zoomed across my lane, his right hand on the throttle, he crossed his left arm across his body, and gave me a thumbs up, nodding his head.

Courtesy. Politeness on the open road. From a Hells Angel. When almost no one these days on L.A.’s streets or freeways bothers to lift a hand in a gesture of thanks to another driver.

Driving is about the one place in L.A. where everyone is created equal; we’re all on the same maddening journey.

Los Angeles, where are your manners? Does anyone here even remember that line?

My parents taught me to be polite, but I got a master class in manners a long time ago in New York City. .

I was about 20 and walking down Broadway on a crowded sidewalk, around 45th Street, when I bumped into a guy, about 6-feet-3, 240, walking the other way. We both stopped. I didn’t say anything, but I thought to myself, “I’m about to get my ass kicked.”

He wan’t looking for a fight, just common courtesy. He said, “Can’t you just say excuse me?”

I’ve never forgotten my quick slide from fear to human connection. From that moment on, I’ve been quick with “excuse me.”

The best among us will do the right thing just because it is right. I say, do it for the reward too: When you extend the slightest kindness to a stranger, or vice versa, doesn’t it make you, if only for a few seconds, feel good?

The manners thing ought to be on the driver’s test. A prearranged “nice” driver lets you cut in and if you don’t wave, the DMV examiner deducts a point or two.

I don’t really know if the country is more divided politically than it usually is, but it sure appears to be. Some things though, cross party lines. We are all stuck in traffic in Los Angeles. Even when it’s moving, the joke goes, it’s a traffic jam at 70 mph. The least we can do is take four seconds, roll down the window and give a nod or a little wave when someone lets us merge.

A couple of Saturdays ago now, during that brief but exhilarating — and much appreciated — lightning show that lit up L.A.’s normally blah night sky, I was driving on Third Street in heavy stop-and-go traffic. Instead of blocking an intersection, I stopped to let an oncoming car make a left turn in front of me. The guy to my right, in a new, glistening white Mercedes AMG C 63 S — normally a car whose driver thinks he or she owns the road — actually backed up about 10 feet to let this other car make the turn. The driver who sailed by in front of us didn’t even bother to look our way.

I rolled down the passenger side window and nodded at the Mercedes driver, who rolled down too.

“Man, she didn’t even thank you,” I said. He hunched his shoulder, smiled and said “Manners. Where did they go?”

My girlfriend, after reading a draft of this piece and learning the Times was running it, said “That’s what we’ve come to. You giving advice on manners.”

Driving is about the one place in L.A. where everyone is created equal; we’re

all on the same maddening journey. Let’s make the ride just a little more pleasant.

The great Lewis Hamilton who just won his 5th Formula One World Championship, tying Juan Manuel Fangio. (Michael Schumacher won a record 7 times.)

L.A. Mayor Garcetti Backs City Council Plan To Officially Rename Homeless People As "Urban Campers"

You’ve seen the tents, from the Figueroa Street financial district to Sunset & Vine, from the bluffs of Santa Monica to the alleys of Koreatown. The tents, tens of thousands of them donated, have replaced cardboard boxes as the “homes” of the homeless. Once banished to the forsaken land known as Skid Row, they are now on view all over town for residents and tourist to glance and ignore.

Well now, hoping to stem the negative connotation that come with the word “homeless”. the mayor of Los Angeles, Gil Garcetti, who has all but announced he is running for president, has backed a City Council proposal to rename those unfortunate folks as“Urban Campers”.

“Who doesn’t like to camp?” said Garcetti, who has clearly never met Nancy Silverton or my sister Jeanine Krikorian Ash. “I think the city will benefit greatly as image is everything in this town. .Besides. if we do rename them, i can boast I got rid of the homeless.”

Several City Council members were vocal in their support of the mayor.

“Some people camp at Tuolumne Meadows in Yosemite,” said councilman Duke Feldmeier, whose 1st District includes Skid Row. “Others like a spot off ‘Going To The Sun Road ‘ in Glacier National Park in Montana. Then there are those “Urban Campers” who go for 5th and Wall. To each his own.”

Some thought the new term was a natural progression for these downtrodden.

“They used to be called bums,” said Los Angeles deputy archbishop Rev. Lon M Burns “Then we upgraded them to homeless. Now they are going to be urban campers. Who knows? They way they set up camp near courthouses, in another few years we might start calling them judges.”

George Pelecanos, Cassandra Robbins, Michael Connelly Top New York Times Best Fall Reads

Many publications have their “Best Summer Reads,” articles, but what happens when Autumn comes? People just don’t stop reading after Sept. 20th. Fortunately, the New York Times Sunday Book Review came out today with their list of the “Best Reads of Fall”.

Topping the list were two perennial favorite crime novelists, Michael Connelly and George Pelecanos. But, the surprise was a newcomer who made it into the top three, Cassandra Robbins, whose steamy debut romance novel, “Entitled” has already caused controversy.

Sunday afternoon, at a gathering at the author’s home in East Encino, the LAPD was called when a guest began to read the opening erotic pages to the several hundred attendees.

“Deeper..Yeah…that’s it, suck me hard,” read the man, whose identification was not made public.

Immediately, three mother’s in the crowd yelled in unison. “There are children present!”. One of them called 911. After a bit of confusion and yelling, the police arrested the book reader on charges of “reading hard core sexually explicit material in the presence of minors.”

The man arrested was lead away in cuffs yelling “Children should be present! The book is about Reed and Tess, two 8-year-olds who become soul mates!”

Robbins, who has a second book coming out, said she had no idea who the reader was, but was not at all despondent. “I’ll take any publicity on “Entitled” I can get.” Robbins’ second book, “The Enlightened” is due out soon.

Brett "Li'l Bitch" Kavanaugh Breaks Shirley Temple's 81-Year-Old Record For Crying

In the 1937 film “Wee Willie Winkie”, childhood superstar Shirley Temple broke down in tears a stunning 11 times in a 55-minute span of the movie, widely considered her best. That pace, one crying fit every five minutes for nearly an hour, was thought to be one of those records that would never be broke. We are talking DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak, here. Chamberlain’s 100 points in a game.

But, Thursday, before a senate hearing Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh did what few thought could be done. He broke Shirley Temple’s legendary record as he broke down - weeping, crying, sobbing - an unheard of 13 times in less than 45 minutes. The crying fit earned Kavanaugh the nickname of Li’l Bitch, which he will be formally known as as soon as he gets his new driver’s license.

Kavanaugh’s SWS (Sobbing Webbing Style), has been compared to that of Carrie Mathison, the Homeland Security agent who breaks down several times a season on “Homeland”. But, while the federal court judge uses some of Mathison’s trademark quivering mouth technique, he takes it a step beyond by deploying his tongue deep into his left cheek. This creates the “bulging cheek” look, a look Kavanaugh seems unable to produce in other parts of his body.

After the quiver, then tongue-to-cheek move, Kavanaugh is unable to speak, he reaches for water and goes into the pathetic look mode that has universally earned him the title of Li’l Bitch.

It should be noted that his crying, sobbing, weeping does not produces actual tears, as pointed out by noted psychiatrist Wendi Matthews. “That little bitch is full of shit,” Dr. Matthews said.

..

"She's Ruining Mozza", I Am Part of the Resistance Against Nancy Silverton, An Anonymous Op-Ed

In a shocking and controversial opinion-editorial published anonymously in the Los Angeles Times, the writer of the scathing piece, a high-ranking employee of the celebrated Mozza Corner,  asserts schef/owner Nancy Silverton  is dangerously close to ruining her beloved restaurants at the intersection of Highland and Melrose in Hollywood South.

The Op-Ed paints an organization in turmoil with other high-ranking employees banding together like a renegade outfit in effort to reign in Silverton, perhaps the single most admired chef in the United States.

However, the Times is getting tons of criticism for publishing the piece anonymously, and Silverton and her cadre have expressed disgust and worse. While Silverton herself has called the writer "gutless" and and "a nimrod", her chief of security, Michael Krikorian, has vowed to find the culprit and "spray paint his or her bitch-ass hair purple and drop the gutless wonder off in the Nickersons," referring to the Bounty Hunter Blood-controlled Nickerson Gardens housing project in Watts which is associated with the color red. In other words, a death sentence.

Below is the actual op-ed.   For the record, we here at K Writes do not agree, support or condone anonymous articles. 

"I am part of the resistance to chef Nancy Silverton and her running and, dare I say, close to ruining the Mozza Corner. As a high-ranking member of her staff, I can say I am not alone. I will list a few particulars that I feel paint a portrait of a woman who travels too much. whose "inspirations and creations"  are often stolen from other chefs from faraway lands and who always seems just a wee little too nice to strangers.

For example, from June 19 to July 25, the peak of summer business, Silverton was not at the Corner at all, choosing instead to travel to Umbria, Italy and leave the city's most important restaurants in the hands of two young Korean-Americans, a white girl with the last name of Nguyen and an Italian American whose mind is focused almost entirely on someone named Zoe, his girlfriend who lives 2,299 miles away in Washington D.C..

Can you imagine Girardet or Bottura or Soltner  or Cecchini leaving their restaurants for a month during the busiest season and putting glorified teenagers in charge?

In the office, a confusion not seen since Watergate cover-up reigns supreme. The conversation there runs the gambit from Donald Trump to wedding planning to geometric purses to the Dodgers, but rarely does the topic of how to improve the restaurants come up  Though Silverton does not have a desk. she has a "Slot box" on the wall where her mail goes. and she often uses the desk of her chief aide-de-camp. Kate Green, as a drop point.. 

In one recent incident of thwarting Silverton's travel plans, a group of us in the "resistance", took out an invitation for Nancy to cook in celebration of the one-year anniversary of the Iraqi army retaking Mosul from ISIS.  She is so excited to travel anywhere she often doesn't do research into where she is going. A trip to Mosul could not possibly  benefit Mozza. Thanks to myself and others, she never knew of this hair-brained invitation.

To be clear, ours is not the popular “resistance” of the left or right. We want the Nancy administration to succeed and think that many of her policies have already made Los Angeles a far better dining city. 

But we believe our first duty is to the Corner, and Nancy Silverton continues to sometimes act in a manner that is detrimental to the health of our beloved Mozza..

Rachel Grisafi Becomes 1st Sicilian American To Win Mozza's Employee Of Month Award, Celebrations In Palermo Turn Violent

What began as a joyous celebration of one of their own - Rachel Grisafi - being honored with the coveted Mozza Employee of the Week Award , turned into a raucous free-for -all as an unruly crowd in Sicily's capital city of Palermo smashed pastry shop windows, stole several thousand cannoli, blocked traffic and took at least two dozen sardines hostage.

Leoluca Orlando, the mayor of Palermo, made a impassioned televised plea for calm, promising to release an unauthorized DVD of Grisafi taking a dip in South of France beach. That seemed to pacify most of the crowd.  It all stemmed from Grisafi winning the prestigious Employee of the Month Award on the Corner, the nearly mythical southwest intersection of Highland and Melrose in Hollywood.

Though "Classified" we have obtained a copy of the report that announced Rachel Grisafi's victory. It follows below:   

Picture this. You’re out on a romantic dinner date, and who walks up to your table but Carmelo Soprano, low-cut and all, big coco brown eyes smiling, earrings big enough for Lebron to shoot hoops through, and she’s holding your magnum of ’98 Gianfranco Soldera Brunello di Montalcino and she says “How’s this two-bit vino rosso working out for you lovers?”

If you know the Osteria, then you know I’m talking about Rachel Grisafi, the newest Mozza Employee of the Month  (aka EOM).

Rachel, aka “Carm”, grew up in – big surprise coming – Philly, and man, does it show.  Story has it when she was 13, she was dating Rocky Balboa. But, the lure of California was strong and Carm headed west.

She joined the Mozza squad on June 25, 2015 and under the leadership of Sarah Clarke, she’s become part of La Famiglia. You could say Mozza is her second famiglia. The first one being La Cosa Nostra in Sicily where authorities detained her briefly this past April . 

“She’s one of the warmest human beings I know,” said Jason Emanuel, a former EOM himself. “Her sense of hospitality is second to none.”

Owen and Sarah have observed something quite unique about her. Her height seems to vary – not anything to do with flats of high heels – but by the size of her trademark hoop earrings.

“It’s kind of bizarre,” said Owen, “But Sarah and I have both noticed that the bigger the hoops, and, as you know, they can be enormous, the taller she appears.”

Still, as much as the praise came in on word was released that Rachel had won the EOM, there was some concern about her floor performance from none other than her Boss of all Bosses, Nancy Silverton.

“The one drawback about Rachel is she is almost too chipper.”