Nipsey Russell, The Rhyming Comedian/Poet Who Nipsey Hussle Got His Stage Name From

In the wake of Sunday’s shooting death of Nipsey Hussle and the outpouring of grief for the rapper who didn’t forget where he was from, I wanted to briefly give some recognition to the man he got his stage name from.

It came from Nipsey Russell, a popular comedian from the 50s, 60’s, 70s 80s and 90s who was a frequent guest on talk and game shows and was best known for his fast - and usually funny - little poems. His rhymes - and I’m totally guessing here - might have been a source of joy for the hip hop artist whose birth name was Ermias Asghedom

Russell made his first national TV appearance in 1957 on the Ed Sullivan Show. In 1978 he play the Tin Man in “The Wiz” with Diana Ross. He was a fixture on “Hollywood Squares”.

During the 1990s, Russell gained popularity with a new generation of television viewers as a regular on late NIght with Conan O’Brien. He would often give his trademark rhymes on the show and - once again, guessing - maybe this is where Nipsey Hustle became entertained enough to adopt a street version of his name.

Born in Atlanta in 1918, Nipsey Russell died at age 87 in New York City in 2005. For the record, Nipsey was born Julius Russell. He said he was given the name “Nipsey” by his mother because she “just liked the way the name Nipsey sounded.”

So did Nipsey Hussle.

Here’s a Nipsey Russell classic

“There’ so much talk about sex

That I have made a vow

To find the guy who invented sex

And see what he’s working on now”

Here’s some of Russell’s rhymes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJx2fvdPzo4

Robert Mueller To Investigate Murder Cases Of LAPD Det. Chris Barling For "Collusion With Watts Gang Members"

One day before he is scheduled to retire from the Los Angeles Police Department, legendary homicide detective Christopher Barling was dealt a shocking blow when word leaked that the United States Justice Dept. had assigned Robert Mueller III to prepare a report regarding his possible “collusion with Watts street gang members”, authorities said Wednesday.

The report by Mueller, who just finished a much-publicized investigation on the possible links between Donald J. Trump’s presidential campaign and Russia, could put in jeopardy the more than 8,900 homicide cases Barling worked and cleared. “If it turns out Barling colluded with gang members in Watts, all those cases could be reviewed and likely thousands of them would be overturned,” said a federal law enforcement source speaking on the condition of anonymity. “If that happens the streets of Los Angeles would be flooded with convicted killers.”

What sparked the Justice Dept. investigation was discovery of a nearly 30-year-old internal memo that was leaked to the Washington Post and Krikorian Writes over the weekend and has since been thoroughly vetted.. The memo, from a active current member of LAPD’s storied Robbery-Homicide Division, details incidents of collusion in which Barling is alleged to have been involved in as far back as 1990.

Though heavily redacted, the statements are from Det. Tim Marica, who once partnered with Barling in the Southeast Division which includes Watts. Here is what the Washington Post published online earlier today, Wednesday, with redactions intact.

“In 1990, Barling and I were assigned to Gang Unit in SOE ([sic] Div.. Being young officers, we would come in early and meet with homicide dets. The rest of the coppers in the unit were always dumbfounded on how Barling always had inside information on the Bounty ####### and the P#s. When making an awesome arrest, he’d play it ff by saying “I’m really an O’Barling and it’s just luck of the irish.” Then, one day, I saw him in Grape Stre## hood on his day off. I snuck up and heard him talking to an OG. That’s when I heard it. O’Barling claimed he was actually a gangster and had been jumped in by the E/S Patty Crip set. From what i could hear O’Barling had made an alliance with Grape ##### Cri##. He’d lay off of them as long as they gave up info on other rival gangs in the projects.”

Det. Marcia did not respond to repeated phone calls, texts, and E-mails.

Barling, a 32-year veteran of the LAPD, has long been among the most respected detectives in the modern history of the city. A former employee at Disneyland, he gained fame in 1997 during the double murder trial of Cleamon “Big Evil” Johnson when he testified as a gang expert and spoke nonstop for a record 17 hours straight. In a memorable moment of the trial, Big Evil told the judge, Charles E. Horan, ”I’ll confess if this motherfucker just shuts the fuck up.” **

When reminded of that long-winded incident in 1997, retired LAPD homicide detective John Skaggs found it difficult to believe Johnson told that to judge Horan. “I always thought Barling was in cahoots with Big Evil,” Skaggs said.

Still, one of Barling’s closest colleagues, Sal LaBarbera, agreed that Barling could talk with the best of them.. “We called him “The Filibuster’,” LaBarbara, said “He would talk everyone’s ear off until you would see things his way.”

Still, most current and retired LAPD personnel who worked with Barling were stunned by the news of the Mueller investigation.

“No comment,” said Capt. Cory Palka, commander of the Hollywood Division who knew Barling from the 77th. Palka claimed he had no idea about the Mueller probe.

Rob Bub, an LAPD homicide investigator for 22 years and currently co-director of investigations at the Los Angeles Detective Agency, said he had always respected Barling’s skills, but started to get suspicious of him last year..

“I think I really started to suspect [collusion] when I heard there was a deal in the works to rename the Watts Towers the Barling Towers,” Bub said.

A veteran crime reporter for the L.A. Times said she wasn’t shocked by the allegations.

“Barling has been playing both sides since before I was born,” said Nicole Santa Cruz. “It’s the worst kept secret in the South end. Despite that, I’m still really going to miss him.”

One member of the Grape Street gave an insight on how Barling benefitted from “insider info” gleaned from gang members.

“Say, for ‘zample, Barling got T Bone from the PJs in the box,” said the gang member who spoke on the condition of anonymity and if I would get him a 40. “We know Bone got a thing for a hottie from the Folsom Lot in the Nickersons who go by ‘Shiitake’. Ya know, like that mushroom. Anyway, So, Barling gets to interviewing T Bone and starts going on and on about Shiitake. You feel me? ‘Fore you know it, Bone giving it up just to get 411 on her. You feel me? On the street we call that fuckin’ with a homie. But, on CNN that’s called ‘collusion’.”

Despite the allegations. many spoke in awe of Barling’s skill, his caring and his single-minded pursuit.of bringing some type of justice to the families of the fallen. One of them was Rick Gordon who has worked with Baring since 1993. He spoke for many when he said the following;

“I always used to tell Chris that he ‘may be’ the best homicide detective supervisor that I have ever worked with. I would always say ‘may be’ because i’ve worked with so may great people and I didn’t want it going to his head. Now that he’s retiring, I was finally able to tell him that he was the best of the best.”

Gordon continued. “Chris was the complete package. He knowledge, work ethic, leadership skills, and compassion for others was truly remarkable. He was a great teacher and mentor for new homicide detectives. Most of all. he truly cared about providing justice for families of murder victims.”

Barling declined to comment for this article and referred all questions to his attorney, Michael Avenatti.

###

Chris Barling represents what is good about - not only the LAPD - but police forces around the world. Barling is a person whose mission is to not let you get away with murder. Many of my friends hate him.

PUBLISHER ’S NOTE - When one of our journalists, Michael Krikorian, approached Det. Chris Barling about doing a serious article about his career at the LAPD, the detective was against the idea. He did not want a glowing, even gushy farewell to the murder cop story. When Krikorian said “How about a fictional story about you being investigated for collusion?”, Barling was all in. So here it is. I added this note because, according to sources in the department - police, not Justice - many people thought Barling really was in the shithouse with Mueller and company. Stay tuned.

As for Barling, here is a story from five and a half years ago on why he - and others - do what they do. It was known as the the Craigslist Cell Phone Killing. http://www.krikorianwrites.com/blog/2013/10/28/daughter-of-slain-man-thanks-detectives-for-arrests

Nancy Silverton Sets New Course Record For Dodger Stadium To Chasen's Race

Overshadowing the summary of Mueller report today, Nancy Silverton set a course record on the first ever Dodger Stadium to Chasen’s Rally, (DSCR) covering the undulating 16 mile trek in just over four hours and inspiring people around the world who don’t train seriously.

Silverton, 64, began the DSCR, a highly exclusive subset of the Los Angeles Marathon, with famed pastry chef Dahlia Narvaez, who kept on trucking after 16 miles on her way to god knows where. The two started off at the very mound where Sandy Koufax pitched, headed to Chinatown - where I was born - for dim sum, past the old L.A. Times building, over to Grand Central Market for coffee at G & B and up toward HomeState where owner Briana “Breezy” Valdez awaited with outstanding beef brisket tacos.

Then it was through the heart of Hollywood Boulevard, the Sunset Strip and down the homestretch to Chasen’s.

For you youngsters, Chasens was a iconic L.A. restaurant at 9039 Beverly Blvd. - near Doheny - that opened in 1936 and closed in 1995 and was famous as a celebrity hangout far more than any current restaurant in America. It’s most renowned dish, Dave’s Hobo Chili, named after the owner Dave Chasen, was famously flown to Rome by Elizabeth Taylor during the filming of a movie.

Back home, Silverton did that most refreshing of things; took off her running/walking shoes, laid out by her pool and ask for red grape juice that had been slightly fermented.

Pizzeria GM Alan Birnbaum and Mozza pastry sous Marisa Takenaka ran something like 26 or 27 miles to finish the L. A Marathon before attempting to set a record for beer consumption.

"Baby You Got It", Dinner At Lyle's In Shoreditch, London Ranks Among Most Pleasurable Of All Time

Halfway into the fish dish of a five-course dinner last Friday night at Lyle’s restaurant in London, soul singer Brenton Wood unexpectedly came on the sound system cooing one of my all-time favorite songs, “Baby You Got it”. It was a stunning moment of sheer bliss. The song, the comfortable setting, the charming service , the bread and the butter, the brill fish on the bone and - most of all - the woman seated across from me brought a feeling of such contentment, such pleasure that it was immediately placed on the list of the prized moments of my life.

We had a lunch at Lyle’s on a Wednesday and in very unusual fashion returned two days later for dinner to this “casual fine” Shoreditch restaurant. As we nestled in, the staff charmed. They weren’t over the top effusive, nor superlative-heavy in speech, but rather they were all people we enjoyed chatting with. There was Francesca, and Sally and Emma ( who looked like that actress Emma Stone) and they talked when it was right and left when it was right.

The first lunch from chef James Lowe was a hanger steak and a monkfish tail on cartilage that had Nancy going on and on. Familiar with monkfish, but not on the cartilage. this dish had her mesmerized. There were a few superlatives she didn’t use - she knows better to say ‘amazing’ around me - but very few. The beef was delicious, too,

The dinner, our last in London, began the same as lunch; with a loaf of house-made bread and - even better - a slab of house-made butter that had me fooled it was from Normandy. This butter was the closest thing to Rudy ( Rodolphe La Meunier’s buerre de baratte) I have had in recent memory.. It was so good that Nancy asked me to get the recipe - which chef John told us at the table - for the upcoming “The Barrish” restaurant at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. For the record I told her I’m not gonna write him a email asking for the butter recipe. First. let me tell on Krikorian Writes how divine the the meal was. then I’ll ask.

The main course was a guinea hen, a breast and thigh. Was superb.

Then the kicker, the co-owner/GM John Oiger, came to the table and - speaking with charm and a slight bit of even more charming awkwardness - told us that “The folks on table 31 would like to buy your dinner.” How do you refuse that?

Turns out it was some chefs from New Orleans who had been to the same Miami Beach food festival recently that Nancy was at, but hadn’t met her. They wanted to show their appreciation of Nancy buy buying us dinner. (Nancy calls this my “fringe benefits.”)

Anyway it was a lovely end to a extraordinary dinner. Later we learned the place not only has a Michelin star, but was ranked 38th on that World’s 50 Best list. a list that with the inclusion of Lyles, I now have a little more respect for.

Here’s to fringe benefits and here’s to Lyles. Their website… https://www.lyleslondon.com/

And here’s to Brenton Wood, and the writers of “Baby You Got it , Alfred Smith, Joseph Hooven and Jerry Winn.

Listen here and hear https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDTFxK-ssnk

I run after you 
Like a fool would do
But mama didn't raise no fool
And I should know
That baby you got it 
That's all I can say to you

You got soul, too much soul
Foxy clothes, the cutest nose
The greatest shape
There's nothing fake about you 
Baby you got it

People can be cruel
They say I lost my cool
But it's very hard to keep my cool
When I'm around you 
'Cause baby you got it
That's all I can say to you

You got soul, too much soul
Foxy clothes, the cutest nose
The greatest shape
There's nothing fake about you 
Baby you got it

Now that I found you 
Gonna cling to you 
I'll give you lovin', money
Everything to you 
No matter what they say 
Doesn't matter what I do 
I'm never gonna love another girl but you 
'Cause baby you got it 
That's all I can say to you

You got it….

"Beat n' Bleach", Nigeria's Largest Hoax Attack Firm Announces Major Layoffs After Botched Jussie Smollett Mugging

In a rapid response to the arrest of television actor Jussie Smollet “Beat n’ Bleach”, the firm that employed the two men to fake-attack him with a noose, quasi bleach and fingernails while denouncing him as he held onto a Subway sandwich announced Sunday it would layoff 90% of their employees.

“This has been a significant blow to Beat n’ Bleach,’ said the company’s founder Tito Amin, nephew of a former Ugandan dictator . “I thought the Jussie mugging would be a boon to us, but it backfired like a Cape Buffalo with the shits. I’m cutting 90% of my in work force.” ( for the record, latest statistics indicate that Beat n’ Bleach employed 10 workers. So if Amin is telling the truth - not something his family is known for - it would leave only him employed there.)

Two brothers, Ola and Abel Asundairo, now-former employees of the Lagos-based Beat n‘ Bleach, and Smollett apparently underestimated the surveillance camera capability in Chicago, a town known for many things, but not for either hangings or bleachings.

Lagos, the largest city in Africa, is actually known for bleachings. According to the World Health Organization. Nigeria has the highest rate of skin bleaching in Africa. Worldwide, the Nigerians are ranked third in the world for bleaching, behind second place India and winner Norway. home to the greatest bleachers in recorded history.

Back to Smolletts, stupidity scholars at the University of Chicago were hard at work trying to figure out what was the 2nd stupidest thing ever committed in the Windy City.

One person who came out looking decidedly smart and strong in this bizarre ass story was Chicago Police Superintendent Eddie Johnson who took control of the news conference Thursday and angrily denounced Smolletts.

“Why,” Johnson said, “would anyone, especially an African-American man, use the symbolism of a noose to make false accusations? How could someone look at the hatred and suffering associated with that symbol and see an opportunity to manipulate that symbol to further his own public profile? How can an individual who has been embraced by the city of Chicago turn around and slap everyone in this city in the face by making these false claims?”

Eddie Johnson , The impressive Chicago chief of police ( called a superintendent there)

.

Nancy Silverton's Five Most Memorable Meals

A memorable meal doesn’t have to be extravagant. It might be a cheeseburger at dive bar that hits the right spots or even a bag of Fritos on a road trip. That said, the most memorable meals I’ve had in my life have been on the extravagant side.

The first was when I was 11; my dad told my sister and I that we were going out for our mom’s birthday. “We’re going to celebrate at some place prestigious,” he said. My sister and I looked at each other and mouthed that word – “prestigious” – in anticipation.

That place was La Serre, then the fanciest restaurant in the San Fernando Valley, Los Angeles, where we lived. I don’t remember what we ate – it was 53 years ago! – but it was a turning point in my dining life. Knowing the impression La Serre left on me, my parents later bought me a set of its serving plates. I still have them.

**

In 1978, after training at Le Cordon Bleu in London, I was working at 464 Magnolia in Larkspur, California, and kept hearing about a restaurant in Berkeley called Chez Panisse. So I went. As clichéd as it sounds, Alice Waters’ food that night changed my life. I can vividly remember the quality of the ingredients: be it a snap pea or raspberry, it was clear they’d been selected with the utmost care. I prefer food where ingredients are the star, not the chef. Chez Panisse (chez panisse.com) continues to shine at that.

When a kitchen is involved in what I call “Manipulative cuisine”, the ingredients do not matter as much as the technique. I’m not a technician. I prefer the food to be the star, not the chef. At Chez Panisse, which came along well before manipulative cuisines, Alice has thankfully stayed true to its original path.

**.

Since 2013, during my summer vacation in Italy, I have been having a lunch – planned months in advance – at Massimo Bottura’s Osteria Francescana in Modena. Massimo takes traditional Italian dishes and refines them, increasing their intensity without losing the rustic roots. My favourite memory of “OF” was ordering the first time. We were a group of six and spent 30 minutes carefully selecting from the menu. Five minutes later, Massimo appeared. He looked at our order, shook his head and said, “Let me order for you.” We did. It was a wise decision.

At another lunch at OF, I kept saying to my dining companions, “Who the hell does Massimo think he is? He’s making the rest of us chefs look like slackers.”  I was having fun, but I wasn’t 100% joking. Check that story out here on Krikorian Writes http://www.krikorianwrites.com/blog/2015/7/23/nancy-silverton-to-massimo-bottura-who-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are

**

About two hours south of Massimo, nestled amidst the postcard hills of Chianti vineyards, is the realm of the world’s most famous butcher, Dario Cecchini of Antica Macelleria Cecchini, who, by the way, calls me his sister. He does not call the rooms where one eats a “restaurant”, but rather “the home of a butcher.” If you go, make sure Dario is there. He is part of the experience and expect him to hold up two gigantic bisect Fiorentina and, in a booming voice, say “To beef or not to beef!”

If you are fortunate, Dario will tell a touching story about the first time he ever had a bisect Fiorentina.   His family was poor, and they taught him the value of every part of the cow, and how the tendons were as good as the loin. I can’t duplicate the story, can’t do the story justice, just go to the butcher shop in Panzano en Chianti and eat his story.

**

Still, if I had to name a single most memorable meal I ever had in my life it would have to be at the Hotel de Ville, in Crissier, Switzerland, a small town outside of Lausanne. The chef and owner was someone I bet most young cooks and chefs around the world today don’t even know of. Yet, by any measure, in the 1980s and 1990s, he was the greatest chef in the world, a title even Joel Robuchon bestowed on Fred;y Girardet.

Flawless. That’s what the meal was. I’ve had versions of the dishes at other restaurants - seared goose foie gras, lamb loin, pasta with morels and truffles, and so on – but, everything Fredy sent out was the best version I have ever had. The precise Swiss technique combine with a Coltrane creativity, and the almost maniacal search for the best ingredients combined to make Fredy Girardet meal the best dining experience I have ever had.

One quick story form Girardet alumni Daniel Humm who runs Eleven Madison Park in New York City. “We would find these tomatoes, that were magnificent,” Daniel told me several years ago. “And then Fredy would look at them, sniff and say ‘Good tomatoes, but not good enough.”

One more thing at Fredy’s and I’ll finish. The eclairs. You may have seen eclairs with their fillings as bright as crayons. At Fredy’s they brought out these eclairs that had just a hint of hue, just enough tint that you had a inkling of what they were. It might seem curious to end a segment on the greatest restaurant talking about eclairs, but that was part of the thrill of this meal at Fredy Girardet.

Redemption For A One-Time Fugitive, Dominique Crenn Becomes The First Female Chef In America To Win Three Michelin Stars

She was once wanted by the law, but last night, in her adopted home of San Francisco Dominique Crenn had the last laugh as she became the first woman chef in the United States ever to be honored with the holy grail of gastronomy; three Michelin stars.

It was only four years ago that Crenn fled the United States with several law enforcement agencies hot on her French heels after the controversial chef assaulted and basically ruined an extremely rare and wild Japanese sea bass during a cooking exhibition in Los Angeles. Japanese government officials demanded their American counterparts make Crenn pay for her crimes and warrants were issued for her arrest. The hastily formed Dominique Crenn Fugitive Task Force - FBI, DEA, Homeland Security, Paris PD - gave chase from Melrose Avenue to Marseilles to Marrakesh. Wanted posters were printed in at least 12 languages.

But, as the investigation dragged and other issued came to the front burner - the destruction of Aleppo, ISIS, the American presidential election, global warming - news of the fugitive chef’s whereabouts was related to back pages. And, with so many truly pressing issues on the forefront, the sentiment grew that Crenn’s crimes - which included the theft of chef Michelle Francis’ sunglasses - were relatively minor.

Meanwhile. Crenn was hiding in plain sight, globe trotting and lending her celebrity “bad girl” name to an array of admirable causes such as world hunger, women’s rights and disaster relief. Soon, with the world in turmoil, the masses marched to her side,

Her restaurant Atelier Crenn had been awarded two Michelin stars in 2011, but the top prize eluded her. Many observers thought perhaps her rebel outlaw past was the reason for withholding the crowning glory. Every year she would wait for the news of triumph. It did not come. She would have to wait ‘til next year.

But, last night, Dominique Crenn’s wait came to an end.

Her fellows chefs, many of whom never abandoned Dominique in hard times- were thrilled to her she had been honored with the ultimate accolade.

“Everybody knows Dominique Crenn is a nut case, but the girl can sure the fuck cook,” said chef Elizabeth Falkner, who had once faced charges of harboring a fugitive during the height of the hunt for Crenn. Charges were eventually dropped against Falkner when it was learned the notorious “crasher” had no home to harbor anyone. “I’m beyond thrilled for her.”

Nancy Silverton was happy, too. “First three star female chef in the country. That IS a big deal.”

Late last night, after the celebrations had quieted, after the last diners had departed, Dominique Crenn sat alone on a cushy chair in Bar Crenn, her homage to the salons of Paris, adjacent to her now three star Atelier Crenn. After speaking with her mother, Louise Marie Crenn, in the town of Quimper in Brittany, a friend poured her a glass of the mythical 1947 Chateau Cheval Blanc, the treasure the staff had been saving for this occasion.

She sipped the nectar and, in her solitude thought of her father Allain Marie Crenn. She grew heavy hearted when she thought back to the day he died and she was not at his side. But, as the ‘47 Cheval worked its wonders, she felt her father sitting right next to her, his left hand hand on hers, his right arm around her shoulders.

“I was on the other side of the world when you left us,” Dominique said, her voice cracking. “Papa, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, my sweet Dominique. I know your heart was with me. And, tonight. on this wonderful glorious night I am right here with you.”

Chief Justice John Roberts Denounces Decision To Name Lance Ohnstad As Mozza Employee Of The Month

Moments after it was announced that Lance Ohnstad, aka “The Humble Host”, had been named the newest Mozza Employee of the Month, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States issued a statement condemning the ruling.

Chief Justice John Roberts said naming Ohnstad as the 45th Mozza EOM “sent the wrong message to not only other Mozza workers, but workers across America.” He refused to elaborate, but many believe his comments were bitter residue from the feud he is embroiled in with President Don Trump who vigorously campaigned for Ohnstad.

Here’s is the original statement from Trump regarding the EOM.

FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Now that the midterms are finally over with, it’s time to move onto issues that matter most to Americans. I’m talking your border security reinforcements due to the imminent Honduran Special Forces invasion, your lower taxes for multi-billionaires and, of course, the your new Mozza Employee of the Month.

This month we have chosen an employee who is, refreshingly,  not politically correct. An employee who yells to the beat of his own drummer. Who didn’t show up for the Mozza party. An employee who has endured the worst that humanity has to offer, that, of course, being the 6-top who arrive 40 minutes later for their 8 o’clock on Saturday night and demand to be seated. That employee, the newest employee of the month is Lance Ohnstad.

After leaving the U.S. Marine Corps, Lance began his career at Pizzeria on April, 21, 2008.  During that 10 year stretch, he has encountered more assholes than a proctologist. At the Front Desk he has endured  9,547 douches, 1,012 obnoxious Armenians from Iran, Bette Milder on a bad day, Bette Milder on a good day, 4.89 billion friends of Nancy and a white guy from the Westside whose excuse for being an hour late was “Do you know there’s a fire out there?”  

So congratulations to Lance, Sincerely Don Trump.

BREAKING NEWS – As The Mozza Times went to press it was learned that Nancy Silverton had ordered a recount of the ballots for this month’s employee of the mouth. A source said Silverton was overheard saying “I can’t believe what Lance has done now. He sat an incomplete.”   If Lance is disqualified the 2nd place finisher in the balloting, Eduardo’s son Oliver, would get the award.

"Major Leaks". New Book By White House Laundry Manager Claims Trump Often Soils Himself

The housekeeping staff of the current White House has a daily - and rather bizarre - ritual. They gather around the laundry quarters and - with room’s manager acting like a modern day Nathan Detroit hosting a floating crap game - make their daily bets. The wager? it’s, well, it’s about crap, but not shooting craps. They bet if or if not President Donald Trump’s underwear is stained with leaked fecal matter.

“Hardly anyone bets that Don’s shorts are clean,” said a laundry assistant who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We call him “The ‘Brown Stainer in Chief”, He’s a major feces leaker. No doubt.”

This Friday, so-called Black Friday, “Major Leaks”, the dredly anticipated new book from White House laundry manager Debbie White will be released and is certain to cause the White House much embarrassment. Already spokesman Sarah Huckabee Sanders has stated she will not “dignify this toilet trash with a response.”

Still, the book is already generating major buzz. It’s pre-order sales on Amazon have it as the 2nd most popular book, after Michele Obama’s “Becoming”.

And Major Leaks has its fans. Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, aka BSM, said he bought six copies and thinks “Trump should be allowed to shit on himself with impunity because he’s such a good guy.“ BSM, the Arabic initials that translates roughly into “little bitch who sucks male anus and is afraid of writers”, was recently acquitted by Trump of the murder of the brave journalist Jamal Khashoggi.

The book’s author, White, a self describe “proud Republican”, said she felt complied to write the book because she felt Trump was doing to America what he is doing to his shorts. “I was a philosophy major at Washington University in St. Louis and it seems to me he is using his underwear to play the role of the American public. So he shits on himself. Trump often says “America first”. I hope this book will help everyone understand what he really means by that.”

MIchael Singer, a former FBI agent who headed the famed Behavioral Science division. said his unit has pinpointed the public brown staining moments. “If you notice during his press conference when he kinda squints? We are pretty sure that’s the very moment when he shits on himself. Another tell is the disgusted look on the face of his wife.”